In a culture where sex is flaunted and success and money are the primary means for which people live their lives, it is only plausible that marriage would be placed on the back burner until later on in life.
Opposing worldviews give us more than substantial reason and provide more than a solid foundation for why 2 people disagree. With multiple languages, ethnicities, cultures, philosophies, and religions alive in the world today, there are multiple frameworks, sometimes countless frameworks, in which people might approach truth issues. But for Christians the Bible is the source of truth. The Bible’s claim that its story is ‘the’ story is the foundational approach that Christians should take in all the decisions they make.
Even about marriage. Even about sex. Even about being a husband, father, and leader. Even about being a wife, mother, and nurturer.
According to the Kaiser Family Foundation,
- The median age at first intercourse is 16.9 years for boys and 17.4 years for girls.
- Over half of males (55%) and females (54%) ages 15 to 19 report having had oral sex with someone of the opposite sex. Approximately one in 10 (11%) males and females ages 15 to 19 had engaged in anal sex with someone of the opposite sex; 3% of males ages 15 to 19 have had anal sex with a male.
- The percentage of high school students who report having had four or more sexual partners declined in recent years from 18% in 1995 to 14% in 2005. Males (17%) are more likely than females (12%) to report having had four or more sexual partners.
- Among those ages 20 to 24, males have a higher average number of partners (3.8) than females (2.8). Men in this age group are also more likely (30%) than women (21%) to report having had seven or more sexual partners.
- Approximately nine out of 10 men (89%) and women (92%) ages 22 to 24 have had sexual intercourse.
- The average age of first marriage has risen by over a year for both men and women since 1990, reaching 26 for women and 27 for men in 2003, suggesting that many young people have sex before they are married.
In letting the statistics above speak for themselves, I am a strong advocate for young men and women dating intentionally for short periods of time and getting married early rather than later in life.
In a discussion with Voddie Baucham on a ‘single’s sense of purpose,’ Managing Editor of Boundless (a magazine for 20-somethings from Focus on the Family) Motte Brown says,
“You and your wife married as sophomores in college. And you mentioned elsewhere in your book that marriage is more important than college. Let’s talk about when men should pursue marriage. I mean, would you recommend marriage to men who pursue dating relationships in college?”
Bauchams answers saying,
“First of all, I would never recommend that anyone pursue a dating relationship. I believe dating is glorified divorce practice. You know, modern American dating has been disastrous. I believe in courtship: I believe courtship is for people who are ready to be married. And courtship is something that you enter into with the understanding that you’re investigating toward marriage. Not just, you know, “We’re kicking it and then the next thing you know we spent all this time together; it seems like marriage ought to be the logical next step.” There are a lot of people who are in bad marriages because of that. It’s kind of the default thing to do after they just hung out together for so long.
The question of when to get married is not about age; it’s about preparation. And the problem is that we’re not doing any preparation. So when people hear about early marriage now in our culture, they think of the context of young men and women who haven’t had any training or given any thought to marriage, and they go, “Wow. That’s young.” It is, if a person hasn’t been given any training or any thought to marriage. So is 30, so is 40, if there hasn’t been any training or any thought given to marriage. But if somebody understands what marriage is and they’re being prepared for it, that’s not young at all.”
Motte says,
“Of all the opportunities young adults have in front of them, what have you found to be the most rewarding priorities for them to set?”
Baucham says,
“Marriage and family. Marriage and family.
Because it is the most lasting, most life-impacting relationship that they will have outside of the one with their parents. It is. There is nothing that will be more lasting and more life-impacting than that. That’s why I make the statement about marriage being far more important than college. My marriage has shaped me as a man and as a follower of Christ far more than the time I spent in college did. And as far as the big picture, the long term, it will have mch more impact than that.
I agree with Vodie completely. CS Lewis made a statement 40 years ago about the educational system in London saying, “We are making men without chests.” This statement still applies today more than ever. In our homes and schools we are making men without chests (even if we unintentionally do so). We are not preparing young men to be husbands, leaders, providers, and protectors, but we are preparing them to be ‘successful’… in the world’s eyes. We don’t train them for marriage but we train them for college. Even in Christian homes, little if any preparation and training for marriage is sought after. Instead, young men and women are encouraged to pursue careers, money, and success, which are not necessarily bad things in themselves, but outside of an intentional preparation for marriage they lead to the statistics above… even for Christians.
Young men and women, it is only logical that you would begin to think about and prepare for marriage early! In a culture where there is so much immorality it is only inevitable that a young Christian man and a young Christian woman would engage in sexual acts. Think of it this way, a young man becomes sexually hormonal around the age of 13 or 14. If he gets married at the ‘medium age above,’ which is 27, then by simple math that is 13-14 years of living with intense sexual passions.
I know many men who have been intentional about marriage at an early age. Some have not gotten married until age 25 or 26 or 30, and some at age 17 or 18 or 20, but they have all been intentional. They have prepared themselves to be a husband, to be a provider, and to be a leader. There view of women is stemmed from the Bible itself. A view that cherishes and upholds and serves and protects and loves all women. Men who have courage and integrity and the ability to lead. Men who have chests.
These men are setting the standard for what dating/courtship (whatever you call it) looks like. These men are changing the way marriage should be viewed by young people. It stems from a high view of the gospel. Marriage is indeed an illustration of Christ and the Church. Read Ephesians 5 over and over.
When men and women in the church pursue preparation to be husbands and wives early in life, they are setting the new standard of how marriage should be viewed – a biblical gospel-centered standard – a standard that says marriage is just as important, if not more important, than success, money, and… college.
What do you think? Do you agree or disagree? Is marriage more important than an education? Have we bought into the cultural lies of pursuing degrees as the most important pursuit there is? Can you have both and still glorify God? These questions should facilitate good discussion.
For more on Vodie Buacham click here.
To read the rest of this article visit Boundless Magazine.
April 26, 2010 at 12:53 pm
To suggest that people get married early to avoid having premarital sex is absurd. I’m sorry. Marriage is about maturity, love, commitment and if you’re not mature enough to do that, you don’t need to get married, period. its a recipe for disaster in the future. Pre-marital sex can be dealt with in other ways.
April 26, 2010 at 1:02 pm
I guess it depends on how define marriage and someone ready for marriage. Again, as I stated above, this is a worldview issue. For Christians who believe in Jesus, believe the Bible, and try to do what it says then this is exactly the case. If you derive your wisdom from the culture then you will claim it as foolishness but this is exactly what Paul states in 1 Corinthians 7:2-9.
“But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband… but if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”
Seems pretty simple to me.
April 26, 2010 at 1:09 pm
Perhaps my first comment was too harsh. Sorry if I came across too strongly, I just think that marriage is a huge and weighty issue, a lifelong commitment and should be dealt with using utmost caution. I personally feel like there is enough pressure in young people’s lives, especially Christian young people, especially Southern Christian young people, to get married than maybe what they need more is for someone who is more mature, perhaps someone with a good marriage, to come alongside them while they are dating and walk with them through that. To encourage them to take their time, not to hurry and respect each other bodies also. I think any urgency creates more chaos around an already stressful situation.
Sorry if my other comment was too rough.
April 26, 2010 at 2:12 pm
Jennifer, I like your thoughts cause I think they sum up the realistic side of this debate. It would prove to be disastrous to pressure immature people into the biggest relationship of their life. The issue is maturity. But I think that expecting early marriage is the fix to the problem. We could teach children to be more mature and then earlier marriage would be a result but that’s not where are culture is headed, in my opinion. I see responsibility being held off until 22 at the earliest and with the rise of post grad degrees for “Career Success” possbily pushing that number to 25 at the very earliest! Granted that’s culture at large. My thoughts are put the ideal as the expectation and that will cause the growth in maturity. Learn by fire, if you will.
With that said, I think the most important issue is how we view the Gospel. Greg, you said it best when you said high view of marriage comes from a high view of the gospel.
Here’s some questions that I think about when it comes to the stats you laid out:
Would i rather be monetarily secure or sexually righteous? Righteous every time.
Viewing Marriage higher than college means a blue collar job and long hours, is it worth it? Yes.
April 26, 2010 at 2:19 pm
Great article Greg. I think this entire topic comes down to being “intentional” in the pursuit of a mate. It is not suggesting foolishly rushing into marriage but rather purposefully seeking to put yourself into the position to marry. So many young people date purely out of recreation which leads to hurt, confusion, and (in many cases) sin. This is a message that young Christians (myself included) need to hear. Thanks for the post. I hope that things are going well!
April 26, 2010 at 3:30 pm
Thanks Brian! You are absolutely correct my friend. ‘The case for early marriage’ defines itself not in being a substitute for pre-marital sex, but it would be more appropriately defined as the ‘intentional preparation’ of young people in pursuing marriage. Though, when seen this way it becomes a substitute for pre-marital sex.
Jennifer, I would also agree with your thoughts on having married couples walk with young couples through their process of being intentional about marriage in their dating. Good stuff!
April 27, 2010 at 9:19 pm
I have to admit that I do read this blog quite a bit, and for the most part, I agree, in principal, with a majority of the things that are posted on here; however, after reading this, I knew I wouldn’t be able to not comment (I have bad grammer…it’s a joke). At first, I shared the same thoughts on the matter as Jennifer, I was infuriated at the absurdity of this post, and then I read Greg’s reply and that really made me think about whether my thoughts on the topic were merely out of fury and disagreement or if it was of concern for the interpretation of God’s Word. However, after re-evaluating my attitude, I feel as though I must comment on this.
Allow me to preface this comment with the fact that I am only a “worldly educated” (not seminary) person; I have two degrees in wealth management, but I know that does not qualify me to express my opinion on this matter. I am more than welcome to a response because it is very likely that I am taking this from a wrong perspective; however, after long thought, I don’t believe that I have.
I agree with the goal of developing more mature students (youth, young people, etc) at a younger age and pressing them to be stronger Christians in faith and Christian maturity; however, encouraging an early marriage is simply not the answer to sexual temptation in all/most cases. I believe all who have commented agree that marriage is an extremely important decision; however, should we as Christians, not be teaching children and students be glorifying God and seeking a deeper relationship with Christ rather than telling them to satisfy their sexual desires with marriage?
I believe it is a matter of cause and effect. An early marriage should be a possible effect of a mature Christian, not the other way around. The purpose of leading and teaching students to be mature Christians should not be to marry at an early age. Rather, our motivation (as older more mature Christians) should be so they can further grow the Kingdom of God and further give glory to the deserving God who created and saved us. Marrying at an early age should not be an expectation of this. If I am a 20 yr old Christian, solid in my relationship with Christ, yet I am struggling with sexual sins, then are you telling me that Paul’s answer is to go find a Christian woman who is struggling with the same sexual desires and marry her so we don’t have to struggle anymore? If so, please inform me so I can stop reading the blogging of your opinions (however, I must say the intellectual discussions here press me to believe that is not the case since I agree with most of what you have stated on the other posts).
Now it is my personal, “worldly”, knowledge (which as stated before is not seminary educated knowledge, merely two worldly degrees) that leads me to believe Paul is speaking in the passage in 1 Corinthians 7:2-9 to a couple who are in a relationship/courtship, not a group of Godly, fully devoted Christian men. And in this context and this context only do I fully agree with Paul. If two God-fearing Christians are being intentional in their relationships with each other and are glorifying God through their relationship, yet still struggle with sexual temptations, then yes, definitely get married; give in to your male hormones which have been causing you to be “living with intense sexual passions” for however many years be the tipping point for your decision to marry. However, for myself, and the rest of the single, male, truly-devoted Christians, it is fully irresponsible for me to seek a woman struggling with the same desires and marry her simply to rid myself of the sexual temptation. Is the purpose of marriage so that I may rid myself of a sexual desire? NO! It is my understanding that the purpose of marriage is to come together as one body and further glorify a more than deserving, Holy, Righteous God, not to avoid sexual temptations.
I apologize for the length of my comment but I felt that since I have not commented prior to this, I should introduce my qualifications (or lack thereof) and reasoning for commenting. I’m looking forward to a reply.
April 28, 2010 at 12:54 pm
Eric, thanks for your great, albeit long, comment! You have some good things to say and have sharpened my thinking.
Here is my response to your comment:
First, you stated, “encouraging an early marriage is simply not the answer to sexual temptation in all/most cases.” I would agree that marriage is not the answer to sexual temptation in itself, though it does help the odds. I heard a pastor say one time, “Those who do not struggle with being holy in lust and sexual temptation are dead.” I think I agree, and I think that sums up sexual temptation. We will always struggle with sin until we die and are glorified with Jesus. Though, I must say, marriage as stated by Paul in Scripture (Eph. 5; 1 Cor. 7) must be seen as a sanctifying tool for sexual temptation. Sex is the only gift God has given us to show us and display in sex a picture of his passionate love for us. When a man and woman come together in sex they come together as one in passion. It is a fantastic feeling and experience, and one that you cannot get elsewhere. Ultimately though, marriage doesn’t solve the desire for sex. Though it does provide a biblical appropriate outlet. Only the blood of Jesus provides the outlet for sexual desire.
Hebrews 12:1-4 makes this clear, which says, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, look to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow wear or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your own blood.”
Wow, what a statement. We overcome sin only because he over came sin for us! Our struggle with sexual temptation is ultimately defeated at the cross and resurrection of Jesus. We will struggle with it always, but we must run to him and lay aside our sin which clings so closely and look to him who endured our sin with joy! Wow! Reading this passage brings me to tears!
Secondly, you are right about it being cause and effect. If a man is not mature enough to be married but still struggles with sexual sins then he should by no means resort to marriage as a way out. What he should do instead is 1) believe in Jesus as his Savior and King; 2) repent of sin, knowing that Jesus died for all sin, even his; and 3) begin the process or ‘preparing’ himself to be a man worthy of a woman.
Third, I think your interpretation of 1 Cor 7 is a little shaky. Paul is speaking to the Corinthian Church here, who by their very definition, might be the most sexually immoral church in the history of the world. There were men reported having sex with their father’s wives (1 Cor 5:1); Paul states that this kind of sexual immorality practiced here isn’t even tolerated among pagans (5:1); there were drunken orgies and drunken parties off of their elements for the Lord’s Supper, etc. I believe he is speaking to all believers here who are present in Corinth, wether they are in a ‘relationship’ or not.
Fourth, the purpose of marriage is not to rid ourselves of sinful sexual desires, as you rightly stated, though it is one of the purposes as Paul so bluntly states here, which allows me to confidently state it as well. Marriage is for 2 reasons primarily: 1) procreation (Genesis 1:28; 2:24-25) and 2) an illustration of Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5). And, I would also recommend a read of Tyler’s comment below where stated marriage as 1) companionship; 2) propagation and nurture; 3) display of God’s covenant; and 4) sanctification.
Paul’s instruction to the church at Corinth, I believe, would fall under this category.
Fifth, just because you have 2 degrees that aren’t in the Bible per se doesn’t forfeit you from being a biblically thinking and well-education Christian man. Thank you for commenting and I enjoyed reading it.
GG
April 28, 2010 at 2:21 am
There are several purposes for marriage, and yes, defeating sin is one of them. I understand marriage to have at least four purposes. 1.) Companionship – There was a sense in which Adam was incomplete without Eve. Thus, God said, “It is not good, for the man to be alone” (Gen 2:18); 2.) The propagation and nurture of children – Again, God said, “Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28); 3.) To display God’s covenant keeping love between Christ and the Church (Eph 5); and 4.) Sanctification – Marriage has historically been considered “A remedy against sin” and the reason is certainly at least partially derived from Paul’s instructions to the church at Corinth in 1 Corinthians 7:2-9. So, yes, one of the purposes of marriage is most certainly to aid in sanctification, in helping to satiate those sexual passions that come natural to any man. Sexual desire by God’s design leads the human to gratify his desires. This is a good and natural thing, since God said to be fruitful and multiple. Of course, those desires should, if at all possible, be met in marriage—and the sooner the better.
One thing that we need to ask ourselves is this: “How much do we hate sin?” Do we hate it as much as God hates it? If we can grasp the weightiness of how much God abhors sin, then maybe Paul’s instructions to get married instead of burning with passion would make more sense and be more persuasive to us. If we realized that every time that we look upon a woman with lust—and therefore commit adultery with her in our hearts—that our actions are in essence trampling the foot of the cross, then maybe we would realize just how terrible burning with passion is.
I would argue that, in one sense, you’re never “mature” enough to get married, since the sanctification process never ends. It does seem wise, however, to realize that we are living in a post-Industrialization world, a world where childhood has been extended for many people into their 20′s, 30′s, and even 40′s. These 20, 30, and 40 year old children get married, but never “leave and cleave” and thus commit spiritual adultery with their parents or whoever they’re dependent on. In the Jewish culture of the Old Testament and even the New Testament (Luke 2:41-52), the Bar Mitzvah celebrated moving from childhood to adulthood at about the age of 13. Parents actively sought to prepare their children for adulthood. Men were, in essence, adults at younger ages then. Men had jobs, knew their Bibles, and were able to provide for their wives and families at a much younger age than many 30 year old children of our day do. So, I’m not sure that encouraging 30 year old children to get married is alone the answer to the sin problem. Children need to first become adults before they should get married. Christians need to reshape our culture, and I think this starts in our churches as parents raise their children to become adults sooner rather than later.
I completely agree with Greg. Those of us who are in fact adults and still single (and have not been given the gift of singleness) should be motivated by a disdain for our own sin and seek to satisfy our sexual desires in finding a godly adult of the opposite sex to marry. Defeating sin glorifies God, and this is one of the ways—but not the only way— that marriage glorifies Him.
April 28, 2010 at 11:04 am
I apologize in advance if my thoughts don’t seem very well organized. I have a lot of thoughts on this issue.
There is no “magical” marriage age. Common sense should tell us all that. This will always be a maturity issue, and not just religious maturity. Whether we like it or not, the real world is filled with both Christian and non-Christian ideals. There is a lot of knowledge and maturity for young adults to gain, especially after high school graduation.
As religious as I am, I think that you have oversimplified this issue. Marriage isn’t as simple as “All you need is love.” I hate to bring some cultural reality into the picture, but the #1 issue that plagues relationships today isn’t a lack of religion. It is actually something that is plaguing our entire country as we speak – finances. More relationships (marriages and “courtships”) today end over financial stress than any other single reason. The minute couples begin marrying younger, the more this issue will rear its ugly head. Love is a wonderful thing, but it isn’t so wonderful when financial stress enters the picture.
Spiritual growth is always important, but we cannot forget the importance of an education and the financial stability that it often brings. We don’t live in a Utopian world or a Christian Utopian society, which means that we have to do what is necessary in order to take care of ourselves and our families.
When I was in college, I didn’t believe in the premise of “dating.” I agree that dating isn’t a way to prepare a person for marriage. Dating often sets a relationship up for failure. It’s all a matter of perspective. Had I married early, as you put it, I would have missed out on a great deal of spiritual growth, educational growth (college/grad school), maturity growth (real-world experience), and financial stability. I am extremely thankful for waiting so long. If I’m going to be a good husband, I’m obviously going to apply the things I’ve learned as a good Christian, but it is essential to apply the things that I’ve learned in the real world; plus as an nuclear engineer, I can financially support my family.
I’m 27, and I’ve been married to my best friend for almost 2 years. We talk about the struggles that young couples face all of the time, and we realize how hard it is for young couples to open their minds to any advice from others (young love is blinding). We feel very fortunate. We are very much in love, we are both religious, and we both continue to grow in Christ together. However, we are very aware of the stress that can come with marriage, and I think that awareness helps keep our focus, along with other factors.
I have always had a hard time understanding marriage at such a young age, not only because of the maturity factor, but largely due to the financial issue. College today is a very expensive endeavor. When two students marry, they are likely combining a large amount of debt, along with little (if any) income, due to their tuition loans. This will instantly bring stress into a marriage. Obviously, young couples will attempt to ride it out, but financial problems don’t disappear overnight.
Sexual pressures are everywhere, and biologically, it is a difficult challenge. A person’s struggle with sexual fidelity is between that individual and the Lord. I dealt with some pretty big sexual challenges in college, and I put my trust in God. It worked. Getting married earlier was never an option for me. Would it have offered a solution to the problem? Sure, but
My advice to any young couple – if you are going to get married, the only guarantee you have of a lasting marriage is to BETTER YOUR ODDS. If you cannot financially support yourself (without the use of loans), you are not in a position to get married. If my job as a Christian husband is to support and care for my family, how am I supposed to do that if I can’t even support myself? If sexual urges are the driving force behind your desire to marry early, stop and think about it. Even common sense should tell you that that will likely spell doom.
April 28, 2010 at 12:20 pm
Tom, thanks for your thoughts! You are more articulate and well thought out then you give yourself credit for.
First of all, I think the issue that I am bringing into the equation is not, “Marriage should be a substitute for sexual desires even if young people aren’t married,” but, “The issue is early preparation. Young people should be intentionally trained for marriage early… And, I would submit, preparation for marriage should be held to a higher degree than preparation for college.”
From my quote of Vodie Bauchum above, “The question of when to get married is not about age; it’s about preparation. And the problem is that we’re not doing any preparation. So when people hear about early marriage now in our culture, they think of the context of young men and women who haven’t had any training or given any thought to marriage, and they go, “Wow. That’s young.” It is, if a person hasn’t been given any training or any thought to marriage. So is 30, so is 40, if there hasn’t been any training or any thought given to marriage. But if somebody understands what marriage is and they’re being prepared for it, that’s not young at all.”
Secondly, Tom, you said, “We don’t live in a Utopian world or a Christian Utopian society, which means that we have to do what is necessary in order to take care of ourselves and our families.”
And, “I hate to bring some cultural reality into the picture, but the #1 issue that plagues relationships today isn’t a lack of religion. It is actually something that is plaguing our entire country as we speak – finances.”
And, “plus as an nuclear engineer, I can financially support my family.”
I have to be honest with you, I disagree (while somewhat agreeing with the first outside of the context in which you wrote it) with all those statements above and most of your comment to my post. Here is why:
Yes, you are right. You are viewing this strictly from a cultural lens. Nowhere does Scripture tells us to live with our parents until we’re 18, go to college for 6 more years, become financially secure, and then get married. You are right in saying that ‘we must do what we have to do to provide for our family,’ but you don’t have to go to college for 6 years to do so. Not to put myself on a pedestal, but I work 2 jobs, my wife works 2 jobs, we are completely financially dependent on ourselves, and we are putting me through Seminary, and we have a fantastic God-glorifying marriage. I do what I have to do to provide for family. If I had to work 4 jobs then I would work 4. I would rather fulfill the mandate to work and provide for my family and get married then live as a child until I’m 24 and then get serious about ‘preparing’ myself for marriage.
I know that was not your case from the comments you made above about preparing yourself for marriage in other ways. And, Tom, I commend you for it! I still think your view is cultural. As Christians, we must view culture through the lens of Scripture. We must preach and practice the gospel with our lives as well as our words. When we do this, cultures are changed and presuppositions (especially toward marriage) are brought back to biblical standards.
Third, what is financially providing anyways? Is it buying big screen TVs, steaks, boats, and new cars? Or, is it making sure your family is well taken care of, the bills are paid on time, and their is food on the table and gas in your car? Also, provision is more than finances. As men, we must provide for our woman sexually and emotionally as well.
Our culture has created men without chests. We have to have the best of everything. We have no idea what biblical manhood is, much less have a biblical view of marriage. We are to be leaders, providers, protectors, and if the only way a boy can become a man is to have money in his pocket then marriages will fail, expectations will fail, and the world remains the same. I don’t even think having lots of money in your pocket is but “one” of the requirements of what being a man is… only working hard to provide. The little money I have doesn’t make me less of a man or a worse husband. We must work to provide and though someone might not make enough to buy a new house or boat it does keep them off the couch at night watching stupid TV shows with a beer in their hand and their hand down their pants.
I would encourage and urge all who read your comment to not take your advice in ‘bettering the odds of a successful marriage’ but step up and be men, do what it takes to prepare yourself for marriage, do what it takes to provide for your family, and be a leader in your work ethic and intentionality instead of with paper in your pocket or numbers in your bank account. I would encourage all to become men early instead of later. I realize that I step on people’s toes in saying this but it must be said.
Sorry if this is harsh but this is how strongly I feel about this issue. Also, women who read this, please note that this would be primarily my advice to men who act like children.
Tom, thanks for your thoughts and I enjoyed reading your comment!
GG
April 28, 2010 at 1:09 pm
Tom, would you believe that there are happily married people in Haiti, who have no food, no water, no shelter, no jobs, and no money? It’s true. Haitians are some of the most joyful people in the world, and they have nothing—nothing of material worth at least. This simple point proves that your view of marriage is a cultural one, one that needs to be repented of and revolutionized. If you base the success of your marriage on finances, then what happens when your base is gone? You need to base your marriage on the Rock (i.e., Jesus Christ), a firm Foundation that never moves.
April 28, 2010 at 1:16 pm
Amen Tyler, thank you for stating in under 100 words a better response to Tom then my 1000 words above!
April 28, 2010 at 10:05 pm
I can’t speak for those in Haiti, nor can I speak for anyone that lives outside of the United States on this issue. Tyler, I’m sure there are happily married people even in this country who have very little to their name, but that wasn’t my point. “Better your odds” – that was the point I was trying to make.
Just because a person can’t provide for their family, doesn’t mean that their marriage is instantly doomed. You can’t oversimply this issue by simply pointing at the Bible and saying, “this is the secret to a happy and successful marriage.” Yes, the teachings of Christianity are extremely important (#1 on the list) when it comes to forming a solid base for a marriage; but you and I both know that there are other factors that play a role, and they can never be ignored.
To a point, you can’t simply ignore culture. Sure, we can be selective about it, but isn’t that what separates an American, a Spaniard, a Russian, and a Haitian? Is there anything wrong with wanting to finish a college degree before starting a family? I saw a clear benefit in waiting to start my family, and I personally don’t believe that that is a cultural “faux pas.” If anything, I think the willingness to throw caution to the wind and tie the knot on a whim is a real cultural issue. I definitely agree with Greg – it definitely is about preparation, and that is why there is no magic age.
In the United States, we are expected to pay bills in order to survive. Bills come in many shapes and sizes. There are certain things that we cannot live without, as human beings – Food, clothing, and shelter. Food costs money. Clothing costs money. Shelter costs money. Everything else, including wealth, is trivial. Greg, I admire anyone who has to work as hard as someone like yourself. My father had to work three jobs to pay his way through college, and that same work ethic was passed on to my sister and I. That is why I have such a strong opinion regarding being able to provide for a family. It doesn’t mean spending exorbitant amounts of cash, but it does mean putting a roof over our heads, wrapping us in clothing, and putting food on the table.
April 29, 2010 at 12:31 am
Tom, it seems that you and I are arguing for two completely different understandings of what should be comprise a proper foundation for marriage.
You said:
“Yes, the teachings of Christianity are extremely important (#1 on the list) when it comes to forming a solid base for a marriage; but you and I both know that there are other factors that play a role, and they can never be ignored.”
From your statement it seems that you are suggesting that Christ is the most important part of the foundation, but that other factors are also included in what comprise the foundation. Those other factors for you include such things as a college education, finances, food, water, shelter, etc. Have I understood you correctly?
What I am suggesting is something altogether different. I am arguing that Christ ALONE should serve as the proper foundation for marriage. I would also suggest that good and godly factors can be built on top of this foundation. It is a good thing to be able to provide for your family. Therefore, since Christ is the foundation of your marriage, then you will try to do those godly things that are necessary to provide for the necessities of life (Even the Haitians do this). But, don’t miss this. These factors (college education, finances, food, water, shelter, etc.) are not part of the foundation. They are simply built on it.
The application in our differing views of marriage is an important one. What happens to our marriages when these factors are removed? (I’m not saying that you shouldn’t work hard to provide the essentials, but sometimes life’s circumstances render those essentials unobtainable no matter how hard you work). For me, whenever those factors are removed, then my marriage is still standing on a firm and unmovable foundation: Christ Jesus. When life’s difficulties come (and we are promised that they will come) then my marriage, though it may be shaken, will stand since it is built upon a solid foundation.
However, whenever those factors are removed in your scenario, your foundation becomes cracked, unstable, and dangerous. When troubles come in your marriage, your foundation is weak. You have been relying too heavily on material blessings. What you have based your marriage on is gone, and so will be the fate of your marriage. This is exactly what I meant in my previous comment when I said, “If you base the success of your marriage on finances, then what happens when your base is gone?” I’m glad to know that Christ is at least a part of your foundation, but I would like to encourage you to reconsider your thinking. Make Christ ALONE the Substance that comprises the foundation of your marriage.
April 29, 2010 at 12:04 pm
I think we’re going to have to agree to disagree on some of this. I completely agree with many of your points, but you cannot blindly ignore those other factors. I think where we got crossed up was my statement regarding the solid base for a good marriage. I agree, there is no substitute for building the base of a marriage around Christ, but biological survival isn’t guaranteed by simply living a Christ-like life. There will always be a biological factor that plays a role in our lives, even as good Christians.
Yes, this is the “scientist” coming out in me, but as human beings (designed by the good Lord himself), we were given the wonderful privilege of free-will. Having a firm foundation built around Christ doesn’t put free-will and survival on auto-pilot. We can make all of the “right” decisions, and follow Jesus for eternity, but that doesn’t guarantee us anything while living on this earth. It only guarantees us something in death – life eternal.
April 29, 2010 at 7:15 pm
I am not ignoring the factors but am rather suggesting that they are secondary issues (I would caution you, however, to search your heart to make sure that you have not blindly elevated these factors/secondary issues to a god/idol status. Do you sincerely and ultimately trust Christ for His provision? Or is your ultimate trust in your hard work and in your mind? There is something to be said about approaching God with a humble dependence). While the factors are secondary, they are also necessary and natural extensions that flow from a life founded solely upon Christ. I thought I was clear on this point. While they are in fact two ontologically distinct realities (and I don’t think you realize this truth), the factors are necessary byproducts of a life founded upon Christ. If you found your marriage (and more properly, your entire life) on Christ, then you should seek to do the things that are Christ-like and God-honoring. Because survival is a good thing (generally speaking), then it is also a good thing to do those things which are necessary to encourage survival (Side note: I would argue that this argument cannot be sustained within an a-theistic worldview). Therefore, a Christian whose life is properly founded on Christ will work to provide food, water, clothing, shelter…etc. Of course, though, we are instructed to pray that God would provide “our daily bread,” so we must not neglect this notion of dependence. We rely on the sovereign God to provide our daily bread, while we don’t sit back idly and irresponsibly wait for it to be provided (unless you have no other option like those living in Haiti). Generally, we must be responsible creatures who take the necessary actions to provide for ourselves and our families. We must maintain a healthy tension between trusting God to provide for our needs and being responsible to work to provide.
You further make the point that “biological survival isn’t guaranteed by simply living a Christ-like life.” It seems that you are unnecessarily bifurcating the two notions of living for Christ and being a responsible human being. No, Christians live for Christ and are to be responsible. I would respond to your comment by saying that someone who seeks to live a Christ-like life would generally stand a better chance at survival, since he as a Christian is properly motivated to please Christ, and part of pleasing Christ means that we are responsible creatures seeking to be actively involved in providing the necessities of life for ourselves and our families (and for the impoverished people of Haiti). With that said, biological survival “isn’t guaranteed” for anybody (and isn’t the main purpose of life, I might add), whether you’re a Christian or not, whether you work hard or not. And this is just my point! The temporal necessities of life (those factors of which you speak) must not be primary; they are merely secondary. Though we pursue them as responsible Christians, we have not been guaranteed them, and so we must not place our hope in them. Our only hope must be Christ. Our only foundation must be Christ. What will happen to you when devastation comes and wipes away your factors? Will you be like the builder who experienced total destruction when the rains and the winds blew upon his structure, because he built on the sand (because you have trusted in something besides Christ)? Or will your structure (i.e., your marriage, your faith…etc.) stand because you built on a solid foundation: Jesus Christ? Don’t ultimately trust and therefore worship your factors, but trust God who has graciously given you every good thing.
April 28, 2010 at 3:56 pm
While I completely agree with the idea that college is not for everyone. A lot of people who are in college or fortunate enough to go to college take it for granted, and the truth is it is a great opportunity not afforded to everyone. The path that God has laid out for you includes both college, work, and an early marriage. What a blessing, and what a blessing to be able to glorify God through that. It is, of course, natural to want to share with other people what you have found to be beneficial and life-giving in your own life. Everybody in one way or another does that, but it’s also important to realize that everyone does not have your same circumstance. Some people are working, or students, or dating, or single or on different places on their journey. Nowhere in the Gospel does it say to go to college or to work or to obtain a technical vocation or to be a janitor or to be a CEO, but the Bible does not spell out or life for us. It would be great if there was a modern day Gospel handed down from on high, but the question, in my opinion, that the bible addresses is not what to do but how we should live. Love the Lord your God, Love your neighbor as yourself. Struggle to do this in everyday life and be prayerful and alert. This is, in my reading, a high view of the Gospel. And in no way am I suggesting that you (meaning Greg, or probably most other people who read this post) disagree with that, I’m just saying that this is the bare bones of the “high view” gospel. The particular details and ways that God has chosen to walk that out in your life are a blessing to you, and it’s natural to want to share that, and hopefully you can help someone else who needs this like you needed it, but these particular details do not apply to everyone. To suggest that people are ‘living as child’ when in college to 26 is not the case. People who do things differently, God walks things out differently, but are still loving God and loving others, are still holding the Gospel highly.
In regard to the issue of finances, indeed it is so so painfully that we do live in utopia, but are firmly rooted in reality. Finances are a huge part of that reality and Tom’s point is well taken. I think we would agree that there are a lot of challenges within marriage and a lot of ways in which to prepare to be faithful and true.
April 29, 2010 at 2:42 pm
A high view of the gospel leads to a high view of Scripture. Scripture must and continue to be the lens in which we view the world and make all our decisions. This is what is known as a biblical worldview. People can go to college and get a Ph.D. (or the NFL for that matter) and still be preparing themselves for marriage, though sexual temptation is a good indicator if you are indeed preparing yourself and can be an instrument of sanctification in ones life (as we’ve seen above). Also, we must trust that God is sovereign over all things. This includes our decisions, our marriages, our college degrees, and the trajectory of our lives. We can trust that God has numbered our steps, counted our days, and has determined our decisions even before the foundation of the world (Eph. 2:10). This doesn’t negate obedience. This is where find the paradox of God’s sovereignty and human responsibility. Let us make decisions that most closely reflect Scripture.
April 29, 2010 at 11:37 pm
Tom, how would you counsel a couple who is ‘dating’ at the age of 19 and not planning on getting married until they are 24 or 25 and are more financially secure. During these 4-5 years they will be putting themselves in many situations to fall into sexual temptation and release an ‘intimacy’ that should not be released until marriage… acting like they’re married even when they aren’t.
Do you see any biblical wisdom in this?
May 2, 2010 at 10:49 pm
I guess the first question I would ask is related to something that you just mentioned.
“During these 4-5 years they will be putting themselves in many situations to fall into sexual temptation and release an ‘intimacy’ that should not be released until marriage… ”
Why not avoid those situations all together? That is a huge problem plaguing teenagers these days. If young couples avoided “intimate” situations, sexual temptation wouldn’t be such a huge issue. We are not powerless against temptation. Hormones will always be raging, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t combat those urges.
Why do we see so many young couples get married in the first place? You have to admit, the church/family often convinces those couples that the only way to have sexual relations is to get married. Is that the advice they should be getting? Why not focus on maturity, rather than sexual relations? How is a 20-year old male supposed to know exactly what he wants when he’s 30? Interests often change with age. Needs/wants even change with age. An individual who has dedicated his/her life to living a Christ-like life will face the same changes of the average young adult. Just look at the changes that males between the ages of 18 and 25 go through. I don’t know a single guy whose maturity has remained stagnant from the time he graduated from high school to the time he graduated from college (and even turned ~25). Age often has a direct correlation to maturity, but that is not an absolute.
Marriage just wasn’t a wise option for me when I was 20-ish. I was in a serious relationship at the time, but I was at least mature enough to know that I still had a lot to learn before I tied the knot.
In regards to Tyler’s comments, please don’t play the “holier than thou” card. I don’t know anything about your personal faith, so please don’t pretend to know everything about my personal relationship with God. That is between me and the Lord himself. We are supposed to be picking each other’s brains. This was exactly why I debated commenting on this blog in the first place. I challenge all of you to “think outside the box” from time to time, because it can strengthen your faith (kudos to Greg for doing just that, in regards to this article, which is why I ultimately chose to partake in this debate).
May 2, 2010 at 11:20 pm
Thanks Tom! I hope you venture back frequently and that our discussion encourages and sharpens the both us and all who partake!
GG
May 4, 2010 at 11:47 pm
After reading back through these comments, I would encourage to not attack the person but only attack the position. This is what is known as an ad hominem fallacy. Remember the comment policy above. Thanks for commenting!
May 4, 2010 at 11:34 pm
After reading this article and the comments I have to agree with Greg on this issue. I am not going to comment on other’s comments but just tell everyone my personal story so they can see how not being prepared for marriage can be a dangerous thing, as I find this fitting to this issue. So here goes:
Let me start off by saying that my parents were divorced by the time I turned five years old. I do not have any memories of my parents being married. I also don’t have any memories of my parents getting along either. By the time I graduated high school I made up my mind that I was never going to get married or have children so that I would not have to go through a divorce or have to raise children in a broken home. To say the least I was definitely not prepared for marriage. Please do not get me wrong, I am not throwing any blame on my thoughts at 18 years old about marriage at my parents. At the time I was not fully living my life for Christ and was only thinking of myself. I started college right after high school and in my last semester of getting an AAS in Business Management I started dating a girl, that is now my wife. Six months later I proposed to her and she accepted. We were married 14 months later. We did not get married because we were prepared, or because we wanted to glorified God through marriage. We got married because it was what we wanted to do, and we thought we had all the answers. There has been times in our marriage when we were at each other’s throats. I have always worked to provide for our needs, and she has too. My family has never had to go hungry, homeless or naked; but for many years we almost at the point of divorce. After five years of marriage we thought we should have children and that would fix our problems. Boy were we wrong!!!!! We remained in the same state of anger and discontent for each other for another 2 years and 8 months from our children’s births (we had triplets). Then one day the Lord’s Holy Spirit convicted me so hard that I absolutely could not resist Him anymore. God made it known to me that I had not been the emotional provider, leader, husband or father that I needed to be for my wife and children. I was not, as Greg puts it, a man without a chest; I just flat out wasn’t being a man. After praying and meditating with God and rededicating my life to Him, I went to my wife and we talked about the changes we needed to make in our marriage. We changed from a liberal church back to a Southern Baptist church (I grew up SB). The first sermon we heard when we did that was on marriage, and how men are to be leaders in their marriage and home. Shortly afterwards, I got the opportunity to lead my wife to Christ (PRAISE JESUS!!!). We now read scripture together, seperately, and with our children. We tore down the old foundation our marriage was built on and replaced it with Jesus. Our lives and marriage has been totally awesome ever since.
I hope this story can reach people to understand the importance of preparing our children early on about marriage and need for a Christ-centered relationship between a husband and a wife.
August 25, 2011 at 10:21 pm
I think there is a problem for some of us who live in christian families that even though our parents hold to sound reformed doctrine (a high view of scripture, TULIP, etc) they still think that education should be our main focus not marriage. Of course I believe that our no.1 priority should be glorifying and enjoying God, not marriage or education; but I think that it would be more God-honouring to pursue marriage, and the ability to provide for your wife and children through work, than education. There also seems to be an attitude in some parts of the Church to sort of go with the flow, focusing on the course God has put you in, and see what opportunities God opens up, rather than what I would like to see: an intentionality towards becoming able to provide for yourself and future wife and children and finding that wife. It is hard if parents want us to be focusing on education to pursue marriage as a greater priority because that might mean resisting them, wheras I want to honour them, as the Bible says. However we have to obey God rather than man. (Acts 4:19)
November 30, 2011 at 2:43 am
Thank you so much for writing this and your other articles relating to early marriage among young men and women in the church.
I am 21 years old. I was homeschooled and raised in a VERY conservative Christian home. I came to really know Christ for myself at age 15 and have been diving head first into serving him ever since.
I have always been a very romantic, affectionate heart, but always received a message that relationships were nothing but trouble for believers. I felt extremely condemned within my own conscience for wanting to have a young Christian man to love me and to love in return because the message I received was that “good Christian girls shouldn’t think about things like that.”
I always dreamed of being married at a young age and being a loving wife and mother, but was frequently put down for it and told that I just needed to grow closer to Christ as if I was sinning against my Lord by wanting to be a wife. That having that desire meant I didn’t love Christ enough.
Despite the feedback I was given, I decided to do everything I possibly could to Biblically prepare myself for marriage by myself. I read every scripture I could find on the topic and read every appropriate book I could find on Christian marriage and what a young woman is supposed to be. It started after reading a fictional book about an Amish girl when I was 17, and I avidly continued. It intensified after a woman of God I deeply respected told me that the role of men and women was vastly distorted in our society, especially in the area of spiritual leadership in the home. I had never heard that before, and I began searching for what I WAS supposed to be as a Christian women in the home. I also began praying to become a Proverbs 31 woman and praying for the man God would have me marry someday.
In the fall of last year, I met a wonderful young man at my new church, and we instantly clicked as good friends while we helped in the same ministries at that church. We began dating in January of this year ( amidst quite a bit of resistance from my parents who claimed that 21 was still FAR too young to date in general, regardless of my suitor) and we are still together. His parents approve very much of me and have welcomed me with open arms.
He is, of course, my first boyfriend. I hope him to be my only boyfriend. It became VERY clear very early on that both of us were only interested in being in a relationship if it eventually led to marriage and that we both were all ready VERY interested in marrying each other.
We both dream of getting married as soon as possible, but have received a lot of negative feedback from others that 20 and 21 are FAR too young to be considering marriage, even that it is too young to be a serious couple because because “tied down” would prevent us both from reaching our “full potential”. We’ve both prayed about it and have peace about wanting to spend our lives with each other, but have only found one other mature Christian couple that thinks young marriage is a good idea. I want so much to honor my parents. I also love my boyfriend and the young man of character that he is. I have been extremely discouraged from the idea of being married young and urged to wait until at least the age of 25 or older. I love my parents very much, but I disagree with them. I believe it seems foolish to wait that long if I have all ready found a wonderful young man who loves God and loves me and wishes to marry me.
In seeking the wisdom of those older than me, He and I were beginning to become very discouraged. Your articles have helped me to realize that I’m not crazy or stupid or immature. That the idea of marrying the man I love is NOT crazy when I have have been diligently praying and pursuing God in this area since I was 17 years old. That wanting to marry him soon to help relieve some of the burden of being two very affectionate people who have promised not to be intimate before marriage is NOT a declaration of my non-self-controlled, lustful immaturity but rather an example of scriptural wisdom.
My family may not accept their baby girl being married anytime soon (since at 21 they still don’t want me dating), and I am willing to wait (within reason) to receive their approval and their blessing. However, I very much appreciate finding your articles and the wisdom in them about the benefits of young people who are devoted to Christ seeking to be married early. I want nothing more than to serve the God I love, be with the man I love and have a family that is proud of me. I pray that all of this will come together, but in the meantime,
Thank you for your encouragement. :)
November 30, 2011 at 2:54 am
I was never given any instructions on how to live a strong Christian life while dating. I was only told the evils of dating and to avoid but that somehow down the line, if it was God’s will, I’d have a husband….How to span the gaping chasm in between was never covered.
I was given no instructions on courtship or dating and was terrified of stepping out to begin my first and only relationship because of all of the horror stories I’d been told and had witnessed.
Pursuing a romantic relationship with a fellow believer had been treated in my life like a drivers ed course with too many worst case scenario clip reels.
And the modern perspective on marriage, even within the church, is painted as a grim and overly sober subject. So much so, that my boyfriend and I spent much time discussing the views on marriage that we’d observed and been fed over the years, even though BOTH of our parents have excellent marriages… I had spent the majority of my life being discouraged almost entirely from even desiring marriage, and primarily being told of the exhaustive list of negatives that accompany it and the probability that I would wind up hating all of the very things I loved about the man and would most assuredly fall out of my honeymoon stage of love and loathe the man I was now almost eternally yoked to.
Thank you so much for providing material that shares the POSITIVE aspects of marriage and for showing me that I’m not crazy for wanting to be a loving wife and a mother someday.
I am eternally grateful. :)
December 3, 2011 at 10:29 pm
Thanks Christina for your comment. That is very encouraging and kind. I will be praying for you as you continue to venture with “intentionality and preparation” into the most amazing and important thing you could ever pursue.
December 4, 2011 at 9:33 am
I remember hearing a sermon one time that talked about sin and in relation to “hedges”. Speaker said that we read about sin in scripture and then develop hedges, which are basically ways to protect ourselves from sin. For example, scripture warns against drunkenness, so some have decided not to go bars at all as a “hedge” to protect both from the sin and from the appearance of impropriety. So, ultimately but not doing this thing (going to bars) I am more protected from this thing (temptation to get drunk) and it is easier for me to do this thing (not feel guilty, spend my time doing more productive things, etc). In this sermon the speaker made the good point of reminding the audience that your hedge is not someone else’s sin. In this case, scripture doesn’t say anything about early marriage, but I hear that your reasoning behind it is to by doing this thing (preparing for/getting married earlier) it is easier to do this thing (not have premarital sex) and easier not to do these things (sin, put off beginning to a family, etc). Being obedient to the what you believe God is specifically called you to do is your prerogative. If you believe God has called you to early marriage, more power to you. But lets be clear, early marriage is the hedge that you have chosen, not something to suggest that God desires for everyone’s life. Greg, I don’t think you and I will ever agree. When I read scripture I see two things pretty clearly delineated in the New Testament: Love Your God. Love Your Neighbor. I struggle to see beyond these hedges to either of those two things most of the time. But to be really honest, whenever I read this blog, I just feel like there are so many hedges I cannot move or breathe. Pretty discouraging.
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