We’re Moving in Together!: A Christian Response to Unmarried Cohabitation

According to a poll taken by the U.S. Census Bureau in 2007, “Over 12 million unmarried partners live together in 6,008,007 households.” The same poll indicated that the number of cohabiting unmarried partners increased by 88% between 1990 and 2007.[1] Other sources show that the majority of couples marrying today lived together before tying the knot.[2] Unless one has lived in a hole for the past hundred years, it is not difficult to observe the moral decline that seems to permeate the cultural horizon of America and the world. One thing is for sure: Cohabitating has become the norm for unmarried couples.

If we as Christians are to be responsible creatures, then we need to give thoughtful and intelligent responses to such a reality. How are Christians to react to those individuals who, with glee, announce for all the world to hear, “We’re moving in together!”? Should we smack them over their heads with a Bible and pronounce judgment? This doesn’t quite seem to be the most appropriate and tactful way to approach the situation. For many, this is a very important step in life. A new chapter of their lives is being unfolded before them. It is an exciting time for them and a huge leap forward in their relationship. Should we as Christians join them in their jubilance?

Surprisingly enough, this trend seems to be catching on not only among the non-Christian population but also among those who profess Christ (maybe these are the ones who need to be smacked over their heads with a Bible). Churches and Christian families must regularly deal with this dilemma. Christians—that is genuine Christians—stand beneath the authority of Scripture. We as Christians, therefore, are to consult Scripture for answers concerning life’s questions and all of life’s moral issues. The Bible does not explicitly say, “Thou shall not live together before marriage.” However, it does speak to this issue.

One must first recognize marriage as a divine institution and the proper and legally binding union between man and woman (Gen 2:18-25; Matt 19:5)—a union that is not to be broken (Mal 2:13-16; 1 Tim 4:3; Heb 13:4). But, more pertinent to this discussion, sex is not to be had outside of this marital union. Fornication, the act of having sex outside of marriage, is clearly forbidden in Scripture (Ex 22:16; Lev 19:29; 21:9; Deut 23:18; 1 Cor 6:18; 7:2; Col 3:5; 1 Thess 4:3) and even necessitated the death of both guilty parties in the Torah (Deut 22:20-29).

But, what about Ms. Exception Suzy over here who thinks that she should be allowed to live with her boyfriend as long as the two of them aren’t having sex? There’s always one in the bunch; people always try to justify their misdeeds. Never mind the fact that I have never met a cohabitating couple who were not having sex, but I guess we should pay lip service to this hypothetical situation. I suppose we must entertain Ms. Suzy’s question. In principle there is nothing inherently sinful about the act of going to sleep in the same home with someone of the opposite sex. However, one must take into account other factors.

Some might be tempted to project their legalism at this point and call out for the individual to “abstain from all appearances of evil” (1 Thess 5:22). But, what does this verse really mean? Some see the Scripture here to be calling us to practice discerning wisdom, warning us to be shrewd and wise in abstaining from anything that might be perceived by the conscience as false or dangerous doctrine. John Calvin helps to clarify this point in his commentary on this verse:

“When […] there is any fear of false doctrine, or when the mind is involved in doubt, it is proper in that case to retreat, or to suspend our step, as they say, lest we should receive anything with a doubtful and perplexed conscience.”[3]

However, Paul must not be understood to be calling sinners to abstain from what has the semblance or appearance of evil, if it is, in fact, a good thing. Jesus healed on the Sabbath and ate with tax collectors and sinners, actions that carried with them the appearance of evil but were in reality not things to be abstained from. They were in all actuality very good things.

But, we must continue and ask ourselves whether cohabitation before marriage is a good thing or not. Scripture tells us to “flee from fornication” (1 Cor 6:18) and that “because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband” (1 Cor 7:2). The point here is summed up well in Matthew Henry’s commentary when he speaks of fornication. He says, “Avoid it, keep out of the reach of temptations to it, of provoking objects. Direct the eyes and mind to other things and thoughts.”^[4] Paul is warning us that the temptation to commit sexual immorality is a strong one, and that we should take every precaution to rid ourselves of any enticement that might lead us into the sin of sexual immorality. How then, might I ask, would cohabitation be in line with the warning given here by Paul? That’s just it; it is not in line with Paul’s admonition. In fact, it takes Paul’s words and tramples on them. He who thinks he is strong enough to lie down next to a woman day in and day out without succumbing to sexual immorality or without even conjuring up lustful desires for her is a fool. He is playing with fire, and he thinks himself to be wiser than the Holy Spirit.

He who professes Christianity and yet cohabitates with another needs to be brought under the discipline of his church. He needs to be lovingly instructed in the Scriptures and yet firmly called upon to repent of his sin and change his pattern of life. Churches need to encourage those repentant individuals to either part ways with their partners or, in some cases, move forward in marrying their partners. Much wisdom would need to be practiced here in counseling these individuals. In most cases, those who are not spiritually mature enough to realize their sin in cohabitation should not be encouraged to proceed with their marriage, but should rather be encouraged to postpone the event. They should first be discipled in God’s Word concerning doctrine, godly relationships, and Christ-centered marriages. At a later point, the prospect of moving forward in this marriage could be revisited.

So, we can conclude that cohabitation is clearly not an option for Christians, but that it is rather a sin. But, what are we to think regarding those who choose to cohabitate before marriage but do not profess allegiance to Christ? How are we to respond to non-Christians who gladly announce, “We’re moving in together!”? If you spend much time around non-believing-twenty-somethings, then you will hear this statement uttered quite often. What are we as Christians supposed to say in response?…“How exciting!”… “Good for you!”… “This is such great news!”??? Is this how we should respond? Should we encourage unbelievers in their sin? Is it a good thing for unbelievers to pile up more sins for themselves and thus incur a greater judgment? No, no, and no.

What, then, should be our proper response? We should, in one sense, not expect non-Christians to submit to the Bible’s authority; they are not indwelt by the Holy Spirit and, thus, cannot obey the Bible. They do whatever their flesh pleases. They follow the logical conclusion of their hedonism, proclaiming that “nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be merry” (Eccl 8:15)—too bad their conclusion wasn’t to “eat and drink and be married!”… Ahh, hold the applause; Corny joke; Sorry… Anyway, we should love them in the midst of their sin, realizing that it is our responsibility to judge those inside the Church and not those on the outside (1 Cor 5:12, 13). In another sense, however, we must call them to submit to God’s authority. We realize what God’s judgment will be for someone separated from Christ. We know that they will ultimately be judged, condemned, and punished for their sin, so we must not demonstrate hate to them by passively leaving them in their sin. Instead, we must seek to bring them into submission to the Gospel. It seems natural that those of us whose tongues cannot wait to proclaim the name of Jesus and His Gospel, that those of us who are concerned about the souls of others, that those of us who are at all Great Commission minded would recognize this to be a great opportunity to explain to them what the Bible has to say about the matter. Maybe this could be our door into a Gospel conversation, which might lead to the conversion of a soul.

Each situation is unique. Couples considering premarital cohabitation may be moving toward this decision for a variety of reasons. Some common reasons for cohabitation are as follows: to test compatibility; to avoid divorce; to avoid a lifetime commitment and the legal hindrances that are associated with a divorce; it is a way for polygamists, polyamorists, and homosexuals to avoid breaking the law; it serves as a philosophical boycott of the institution of marriage because they see no difference between a commitment to living with one another and the institution of marriage; they consider their relationship to be a matter of privacy; and they seek to avoid the higher taxes required of two-income homes. The possible excuses are many, and each needs to be dealt with individually and analyzed in light of a Christian worldview. Underlying assumptions need to be uncovered, and sin needs to be exposed.

Ultimately, such sinful reasoning needs to be remedied through the Gospel. Sinful thoughts need to be exchanged for righteous ones. In the end, cohabitation is the result of a rejection of the authority of Scripture and a rejection of the authority of the objective moral law Giver. This should lead us as Christians to being intentional about engaging others with discussions about the Gospel, their need for a new heart that hates sin and fears God, and their need for a righteous Savior.

[1] U.S. Census Bureau, “America’s Families and Living Arrangements: 2007.”

[2] Larry Bumpass and Hsien-Hen Lu, “Trends in Cohabitation and Implications for Children’s Family Contexts in the United States,” (Population Studies, 2000), 54: 29-41.

[3] John Calvin, Commentaries on the Epistles of Paul the Apostle to the Philippians, Colossians, and Thessalonians (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2009), 302-03.

^[4] Matthew Henry, Matthew Henry’s Commentary on the Whole Bible : Complete and Unabridged in One Volume. (Peabody : Hendrickson, 1996), 1 Cor 6:12.