How Far is Too Far?

In this article on the ever popular question, “How Far is Too Far?” Ryan Rindels gives young people sound advice on what Scripture says about awakening the sexual desire before its time, as he urges young men to treat their ‘girlfriends’ like they are their own ‘sisters.’

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How Far is Too Far?

By:  Ryan Rindels

How far is too far? The perennial pre-marital question never ceases to hold young single and/or dating couples in amused and anticipatory suspense. With inherent temptation causing non-vigilant believers to fall into sexual sinbeing further augmented by a society that scoffs at abstinence for the unmarried and condones fornication to such a degree as to call anything otherwise ‘abnormal”, many Christians seek advice in order to live out what God’s Word says. While a passage directly answering the posed question does not exist in the Bible, there’s much to be learned from the Word and interestingly enough, the question itself.

Physical demonstration of affection between men and women comes naturally when attraction is involved. God made humans this way. Physical touch is vitally important from the tiniest infant who cries until wrapped-up tight and cradled to an elderly woman receiving a warm embrace from a child. The examples are platonic and typically satisfy their recepient in their given form. There is not an appetite to progress to another, more intense stage.

Now for a man and a woman attracted to each other for more than friendship alone, physical displays of affection that continue unabated naturally follow a course ending with sexual intercourse. All preceding actions: hugging, kissing and touch are not an end in and of themselves. The inherent sex drive of humans leads them to an intended destination. With this fact known and established, its only a matter of course people will not find satisfaction at any level less than love making. Sex is the consumating act. If it were not humans would continue to some other stage but they do not. Therefore, the question of “how far is too far?” is pertinent because physical acts are a natural part of a normal relationship and because we fully-comprehend where they are leading.

With no precise and lucid scripture reference to show us exactly what to do, many contemplate our present question then become confounded and even frustrated. But what would appear to be ambiguous becomes much clearer upon close examination. The fact is no one is going to find physical contentment where they are because God made us sexual beings. It would seem strange to hear of a married couple fully content with only kissing and hugging but never engaging in intercourse -no one would believe it. At its most basic (but not the only) created purpose we see sex as a God-ordained means of procreating the human race. God made sex a natural desire in humans and is pleased and glorified when it is done in the marriage context.

For the unmarried desiring purity, there’s a line that we don’t want to cross. The safest and surest place to be so as not to cross the line is the farthest place from it. The solution here is quite simple but the natural sexual urges as well as a sinful nature bent on fulfilling selfish lusts (contrary to God’s law) war against what is righteous. Biblical references to sexual purity and not falling into sin nearly all involve words such as “escape”, “avoid” and “flee”. You don’t hear words such as “fight”, “endure” or “strive”. The most prominent example is Joseph in Genesis 39.

v. 10 “And though she spoke to Joseph day after day, he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her.”

v. 12 “She caught him by his cloak and said, ‘come to bed with me!’ But he left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house.”

In Proverbs 5:7-8

“Now the my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. Keep a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house.”

Those who truly desire to please God in this area must comprehend the key to victory: A realization of your own weakness and sex’s great strength.

Clearly, the behavior of young people is setting themselves up for failure. An overwhelming majority of teens and twenty-something’s have had sex (statistics show over 90% for males over twenty and females are less than 10 percentage points behind at the same age). Incidentally, Christians are part of these statistics and most are not married by age twenty.

Being in a relationship and maintaining God-glorifying purity is tough…always has been. The question is how hard are you willing to work? Joseph could do nothing less than run! Do you run from what you know will make you fall?

Staying as far from the line as possible is a foundational principle. But what is some practical application? The easy answer would be a list of “ok’s” and “do not’s” but even that wouldn’t work because we’ve agreed the progressive nature of physical actions won’t satisfy for any extended period of time. 

In his candid sermon series on the book of Song of Solomon Mark Driscol, Pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, challenges men in dating relationships to treat their girlfriends like they would their own sister. What an intriguing and unambiguous concept! A big brother protects his sister; he shows some physical displays of affection but nothing like what is seen in most “normal” dating relationships. He treats her with respect, not as a means of fulfilling self-gratifying lusts. Treating a girlfriend as a sister is not just some contrived concept. A girlfriend is a sister in Christ. She is part of the Family of God and should be treated accordingly by her brother.

Valuing and honoring her is what we’re talking about here. Any guy who would practice treating his girlfriend as a valued family member would stay far from the line.

In the Bible’s love manual: Song of Songs, the following line is repeated three times throughout the book; “Do not arouse love until it so desires.”

The love we’re talking about here is erotic love. We’re advised and even warned. Love will be aroused and awakened but don’t arouse it before the proper time. That time is marriage. Pushing things physically invariably arouses love preemptively.

So what are you going to do? Do you want to push the limits and risk what most do and fail? Does your desire to honor God and the accompanying blessings outweigh the short-term pleasures of sin? Maybe we should rethink the question we’re asking.