The motives behind this article are 4 sided: 1) Guys have no idea how to be in a ‘dating’ relationship. 2) Girls have no idea how to be in a ‘dating’ relationship. 3) The Christian dating culture can sometimes seem so ridiculous that it’s fun to pick on. 4) It’s just fun. I have compiled the following list of rules after thinking through why relationships begin and end.
There is nothing especially Scriptural about each of these points. Many of them are just fun; however, many should be taken seriously. Also, most of them are geared toward guys… since I am one. They have been derived from experience, observation, study, and common sense. Read this list. Think through them. Disagree. Laugh with me. Think of them as guidelines more than rules (because rules without relationship lead to rebellion). And then let me know what you all think.
The Batter’s Box:
- Get a job.
- Work hard.
- Take showers. (You would think that the first 3 are assumed… yeah… it’s not)
- Stop playing Xbox all day.
- Start a budget, save money, and move out of mom and dad’s house.
- Don’t go to a bar to find a girl.
- Never text a girl and ask her out on a date.
- Girls, if a guy ever texts you to ask you on a date then you should probably make fun of him.
- Don’t let your girl friends set you up with a ‘friend.’ It never works out. If you do end up going then always go on a lunch date first. It’s easy to move on from there without much awkwardness.
- Hang out in groups. Get to know the other person without making your intentions known just yet.
- Don’t be too pushy.
- Girls should never ask a guy out a date. If a guy can’t man up and ask then he’s not worthy of you calling him a ‘man.’
- Girls CAN put themselves in a position to be noticed. Think of Ruth.
- Take your time. You don’t have to rush into something… I’m talking to you guys.
- Make a great impression on her parents and vice-versa (if this is feasible).
- Guys, it might be a good idea to get permission from her dad to take her on a date.
- Be a man and ask her out in person.
- Make your intentions known. Is this just a hang out date? How interested are you? Do you just want to culturally date? Just trying on another shoe? Are you dating for the purposes of marriage?
The First Date:
- Take a shower.
- Plan it out.
- Take her somewhere nice. A first date should never be McDonalds.
- Dress casually. Look sharp but don’t over do it.
- Going to church is not a date.
- Reading the Bible together on a first date is probably not a good idea.
- The guy should always drive.
- The guy should always come to the door. Never honk.
- The guy should always open EVERY door for the girl (i.e., car door, restaurant door, etc)
- The guy should always pay.
- Bring flowers if you are that kind of guy.
- Side hugs are great first date ‘touching’ ice-breakers.
- Don’t feel like you have to touch or hold hands, etc.
- Definitely don’t lay a fat one on her on the first date.
- Dinner and a movie is not always a great first date. Dinner is always good but a movie could be a little awkward… all the sitting in silence, sitting close together, not trying to touch each other stuff can be a little weird sometimes.
- Don’t go see horror movies on the first date.
- Don’t ever go see horror movies.
- Be creative on first dates.
- Don’t ever spend a ton of money on the first date… it might not work out and you could be out hundred bucks… or more.
- Keep conversation light. Don’t debate your position on the end times.
- Don’t seclude yourselves where you are not around people.
- Don’t stay out too late.
- Again, I must reinforce. Never kiss on the first date. Your sexual impulses could turn into a relationship that you don’t really want to have in the first place.
The Evaluation:
- Ask her if you can call her tomorrow. You don’t have to wait to call her. That’s a Hollywood myth. If she says yes then tell her when you will call her.
- Follow through with what you say.
- Set up a time to take her on a second date.
- Don’t be over baring.
- Send her a sweet text message.
- Do small things for her if you want to continue to show her you’re interested.
- Don’t Facebook stalk the other person.
The First Few Months:
- Keep your pants on.
- Start slow.
- Hold hands. Try not to have too much hand sex (yeah you know what I’m talking about).
- Give hugs.
- Kiss (there is a myth in the Christian culture that Christians should not kiss… ridiculous!)
- Don’t grope and make out heavily. Heavy make out leads to dry humping… don’t go there!
- Repent if you did.
- Try your best to stay away from situations that will allow you to be alone. Your sexual drive will be at its peak during these first few months of attraction to this person.
- Go on group dates. Group dates aren’t just for high school kids who can’t drive. They can be really fun.
- Make sure your time is intentional. Talk about the future, careers, etc. The first few months are perfect for figuring out if you are like-minded in theology, career goals, church background, family desires, lifestyle, etc.
- Have an older couple walk with you through the dating process. Guys should have an older guy that is pouring into them and giving them wisdom during this time and vice versa for girls.
- Don’t EVER use the words “I LOVE YOU” unless there is a ring on that finger.
- Don’t open the door for intimacy. You can show affection without being intimate.
- Guys, protect the girl’s emotions. Don’t play with her emotions and use the phrase “I LOVE YOU” like it’s a greeting or salutation.
- Guys, protect the girl’s purity. Group dates and limited alone time will do you wonders in this area.
- Be creative during these months with the dates you go on.
- AGAIN, DON’T PUT YOURSELVES IN SITUATIONS WHERE YOU WILL BE ALONE FOR EXTENDED PERIODS OF TIME WHEN YOU ARE ON DATES.
- Evaluate your relationship every month.
- Don’t ever make out at the parent’s house. That would be the worst if you got caught by her folks.
- Date for a short-period of time.
- Marriage is more important than college. Get engaged and married early so you don’t go crazy over wanting to be intimate.
- Date for 6-8 months and get engaged if you can.
- Dating for long periods of time leads to a lot of repentance.
- Always ask her dad if you can marry her.
- If he says, “No” then do what you have to do for him to say, “Yes.”
Look for “THE CHRISTIAN RULES OF THE ENGAGEMENT PROCESS” coming soon!
I agree with most of that, but why would you give a ring to or accept a ring from someone who has not verbally expressed their love for you? Without that it sounds more like a business transaction than an engagement IMHO.
If you don’t love her why would you marry her? Marrying in the hope that love develops seems like a recipe for disaster to me (i say that as a husband and father). We are to love our wives as Christ loved the church. If you marry because you have the same goals and beliefs and because you lust after each other sexually, couldn’t that lead to a loveless marriage after you consummate the marriage and the mystery of what lies beneath the other person’s clothes is no longer the last frontier? Might you look over and say to yourself “we both have the same goals and beliefs, but I don’t really love him/her enough to be together forever”. Love is important.
Hey Dave, great comment! My implications of the “I LOVE YOU” thing is more along the lines of thinking emotionally. We see all the time that many relationships have had that phrase thrown around before there is even talk about marriage. Young couples say it as their emotions drive them, instead of commitment. I absolutely think that love should be the most important. In fact, it’s so important that “I believe” it shouldn’t be said until marriage is absolutely going to happen.
Also, I think we often times get confused and think that love is an emotion. As a father and husband, I’m sure you would agree that love is absolutely 100% an action. Happiness, affection, sadness, madness… all of these ‘emotions’ stem from our choice to cultivate love. And love is always conditional. Another common misconception is that love is unconditional; only God’s love has no strings attached; and only his love is unconditional.
Love is important, but I didn’t tell Lindsey (my wife) that I loved her until our engagement day. I made a whole day of it, with love at the center. Big risk =Big reward.
I understand that love is important but I side more with protect the girls heart and don’t tell her you love her if you don’t have the commitment to back it up.
I’ve seen too many hearts broken over sloppy words.
Ben, I completely agree. Good words.
I think I see what you are getting at. Many people throw the word love around very loosely in dating relationships. They say “I love you” when they really mean “I am infatuated with you”. But, if some guy comes to ask for my daughter’s hand in marriage, one of the questions I’ll ask him is “Do you love my daughter?’ If he says “I think that we have a whole lot in common and we are both very sexually attracted to each other and as soon as she accepts my proposal, I will love her” I would probably explain to him that I am in the cemetery business and I have a spot picked out for him. Just kidding… Good point. I am glad that you are leading our young people, and I really enjoy your blog. Keep up the great work!
Thanks bro! You are very kind.
Awesome article, this will be copied and pasted into a document. for when im 18 and start to look for the time to pursue
Hey, Landon… What is your motivation for waiting until 18 to pursue a girl?
Ha! Hilarious comment! Just print the article out and start passing it out at school… (wink)
Dave… “infatuated and sexually aroused” haha! I love it. You’re exactly right, it’s a very accurate depiction how people define love these days.
I second that… great thoughts!
Greg, there is so much good advice in this post… I wish someone had been bold enough to teach me about these things when I was going through high school. Thanks for not being ashamed to speak about such important issues. You could probably write a paper about any one of your points, but two stuck out to me, and I would be interested to know your thoughts on them:
1.) You said, “Girls CAN put themselves in a position to be noticed. Think of Ruth.” I completely agree with this statement. I think many girls who are trying so hard to please the Lord in allowing the guy to pursue them are confused in this area. So, I guess my question for you is, what do you think this practically looks like? What kinds of things can girls do to be noticed without crossing the line into pursuit?
2.) You said, “Try not to have too much hand sex (yeah you know what I’m talking about).” Maybe I’m just dumb (very possible), but I am not sure what you’re talking about here. I would think “hand sex” could be construed to mean anything from “mutual masturbation” to rubbing around on each other’s bodies…. or _______. Sometimes, giving youth a list of does and don’t's in terms of physical touch in a dating relationship can lead to legalism that doesn’t cultivate Jesus-worshiping hearts that want to please the Lord with their relationships. With that in mind, what would you suggest is the appropriate amount of physical touch in a premarital relationship?
Tyler, thanks so much for your response. I have been thinking through this list as it comes to application for young people. Like you said, I would have loved to have had an older guy come alongside me with this list. Let me try to give some meat to your questions/comments.
1. What does this look like for girls today? Obviously, as stated above, I am not a proponent of girls pursuing guys, but I very much advocate this “Ruth approach.” Girls who want to be pursued should be where the guys, who they would want to pursue them, are at. Whether it’s church, a bible college, small group fellowships, or just hanging out with friends. Dress cute, wear make up, and look pretty. I think it’s a good thing for a girl to make themselves noticeable in appearance, always with modesty at the forefront. I honestly don’t have much more thought to this then what might appear to be common sense. I’m trying to sound rash but I do think that a girl might have a better input on this then me. At the end of the day though we must be aware of the fact that the girl can do all she can to dress cute, maybe a little harmless flirting, gentle touches, etc. but the guys must take the initiative to pursue.
2. This literally made me laugh out loud. What I refer to when I mean ‘hand sex’ is the concept of holding hands and rubbing your fingers together… sort of like a little hand massage as you hold hands. I do agree that a list of does and don’ts could lead to the view of legalism. I see “this” list as guidelines… If I could rename this post, it would read: “The Christian RULES of Dating: Things You Would Do Well to Put into Practice.” And in all honesty, that one was more for the humor affect.
Good thoughts T-man.
Honestly, I know that I am not ready for a girlfriend. I have had PLENTY of relationships and this summer God convicted me. I am currently taking a year of from pursuing marriage. I know that because of my college plans and my relationship with my King that I cannot even evaluate if I am desiring God enough to pursue a relationship that will ulimately reflect the way Christ loves the church. I want to desire myGod so much that I will have to seek Him to find the girl Christ has for me. Why date in High Shool if have much more risk of sexually stumbling and breaking a girls heart if God calls me out of state for college. Lecrea says it best “He is teaching me how to love a wife like He loved the church, without seeing how many hearts I can break first.”
Landon, I love your thoughts here. It’s probably no surprise that I am a fan of early marriage for young people. In saying this, I do realize that it is completely against the “Christian Culture in the south” but, I think, it is backed by Scripture. To be a high school student in today’s culture is to say that there is no way you can get married until you are out of high school (18 years old)… that means from about 14-18 years old we’ve got guys who struggle with sexual desires and have no outlet for them.
I think it’s a good thing that you are not dating, but we should always check out motives. Is it to “date Jesus?” What does that even mean anyway? Or is to prepare oneself to be a Godly man, who loves Jesus, the church, and can provide for a woman both financially and spiritually, lead them, protect them, etc. etc.
I look up to you Landon for your convictions. Thanks for commenting!
Hi Greg and Landon and everyone else! As some people know and many will, I am an 18 year old college freshman at Lee University. I have been in a steady relationship with the same girl for 4 years come February. Due to all this experience, I have a lot of thoughts and opinions on dating. But my relationship is a little different than most. My girlfriend and I have abstained from kissing each other on the lips. We do kiss on the cheek, forehead ect. but we have never once intentionally kissed (we have had a few quick oops kisses, gotta watch when your eyes are closed haha). We do this for several reasons: It’s MUCH easier to remain pure physically when you don’t kiss on the lips and make out, she has always felt that it is a desire that the Lord has for her in that her first real kiss would be to her husband on the altar. Because of this, we have definite physical lines which we do not cross. We often encourage new teenage couples or even single teens to think about this angle in dating. We absolutely do NOT think that kissing while dating is sinful/wrong but it is something that we as a couple have decided to do. We understand that it is not for everyone but we think it would be very beneficial to the Christian youth of America if more couple’s also abstained from kissing. I believe that through this, we have had greater success in dating on all levels. We were able to take our relationship slowly and build trust in an emotional and spiritual means rather than a direct physical one. This aspect of relationship is a great mission tool, we can share about our no kissing policy and people naturally ask what our reasons for not kissing are. We are then able to tell them about the Lord and how we believe it allows us to honor Him with our relationship and our bodies. Also, we have admittedly crossed a few lines yet, it is abundantly easier to maintain self-control when kissing is taken out of the equation. (BTW the lines we crossed weren’t anything too serious, just some things we desired to keep out of our relationship). I encourage all young people to at least entertain and pray about the possibility of kissless relationships. While the sacrifice is great, we know the reward we will reap on for our future marriage will be much greater!
Matt, thanks for your comments. Have you found that you and your girlfriend have found other outlets for ‘intimacy’ besides kissing? Hope you are well!
We both try to take that drive and longing and direct it back toward Christ. Because we go to different colleges, we have a long distance relationship. Any desire we feel for each other, we try to then use it to seek after Christ. So that while we may not be able to properly use the emotions and desire we have for our flesh at the present time, we can grow closer to the Lord and deepen our intimacy with Him. This is essentially our goal. If a relationship is not pleasing and glorifying to God and it is not building up and strengthening your individual relationship with Christ, then it is honestly futile and frankly a waste of time, money and emotions, and we don’t want that. So the short answer would be that we turn that desire for intimacy with each other, into a desire for further intimacy with Christ :)
Great thoughts Matt. Thank you for honesty and openness. I pray that more young men would take this approach!
If I can, let me ask one more question to you: What is keeping you all from getting married now? Is it simply college?
Hmmmm honestly I believe it is. The Lord decided to send us to separate colleges for a very specific purpose. She is in a very specific program at her school which do not allow their students to get married while in this program. I believe that the Lord led us to these separate schools for a purpose. We are fulfilling these purposes but to be honest, even if we were going to to the same school, I don’t believe we would get married for a number of more years. We recognize our desire for marriage but in all honesty we are not ready. I consider myself to be rather mature, spiritually and in every other way BUT, I am 18, I’m not read yet to be a husband. I would rather be a great boyfriend to her for several more years, than a lousy husband while I am still trying to find my own place in this world.
Matt, again, I appreciate your honesty. Would you be willing to read my article “Early Marriage” and let me know your thoughts? http://theveritasnetwork.org/2010/04/26/a-case-for-early-marriage-why-young-leaders-with-solid-chests-are-changing-the-world/
It’s a great article. I completely agree with what is said in fact, I know a young couple who got married this summer and the wife just turned 20 last month. I fully agree with getting married young if you are ready, or need to remain pure and the Lord leads you to that. But for us, it is not a realistic option. We do go to different schools. Forget being financially secure, we would have no means to support ourselves outside of parental assistance and we are not yet ready anyway. Maybe in 3 years when she has graduated and I am a senior, but because of the situation the Lord has guided us into, marriage is not a realistic option right now…no matter how badly we want it to be. But we have waited this long and we know that when it is time for us to get married that we will reap the benefits of our patience.
Nobody ever laid out the case for early marriage to me when I was growing up. Most of us Gen Xers were told to wait to get married..that it was better to be finished with school and be set up in a career. We were not taught to begin our lives shortly after High School, rather, we were told to put off the responsibilites of adulthood and encouraged to live a sort of extended childhood. When i was a kid, Magic Johnson got AIDS and we were all taught to use condoms and be “safe”. Marriage was portrayed as an end to enjoyment in life. While I can honestly say that I broke every one of the “rules” that Greg laid out., God miraculously delivered my relationship with my wife. Shortly after we got married, God grabbed ahold of us and transformed our lives almost 6 years ago. I cant imagine what our lives would be like if that had not happened. We gave up our lives for Him and he has richly blessed our family thruout the years. I can seriously see myself going down this list one day with my son.
Amen Dave. I have broken plenty of these myself… maybe most of them over my teenage years and even into college. I never really had anyone walk with me through some of this stuff as a young teenager. God is good though is he not!?
All the time!
My hope is that this philosophy will permeate our society and make it to the main stream. Wouldn’t it be great if the youth of our nation decided to rebel against godlessness? That would be amazing.
That would be amazing! I do hope that this catches on with families in Maryville and Knoxville, and that other pastors see this, as I have seen it modeled elsewhere by guys like Voddie Bauchum and Mark Driscoll, and this vision for young people is multiplied and reproduced everywhere.
Great thoughts!
i agree with some of this stuff, but only if you’re living in America.. I lived in the States, I lived in Romania and Indonesia, but most of my life I spent/lived in Germany and Europe in general.. these “rules” are definitely more for the American Christian than for others.. especially the “side hug” stuff (I totally disagree with)..
one question: why ask her Dad, if her Dad ain’t a Christian, hates the faith and his only reason for saying No is because of the faith? do whatever it takes to make him say Yes? I don’t think so.. we didn’t lay down our faith just to please her family..
one last thing: if you do mention Ruth, please check the 3rd chapter of Ruth: she did not just get in his way to be noticed.. SHE popped the question! :)
Thanks for you comments and thoughts Ordi. You have raised some interesting questions in my mind. I do think that most of this stuff is contextualized to the cultures we live in, but why wouldn’t ‘limited and appropriate touch’ cross cultural boundaries, especially in Western Europe? Obviously, I do realize that there are MANY cultural differences in how men and women interact. For instance, we wear clothes at the beach.
Ruth 3:4 says, “But when he lies down, observe the place where he lies. Then go and uncover his feet and lie down, and he will tell you what to do.” We continue reading and find that he Boaz is the one who speaks and pursues her. Also in Ruth 4:13 we read, “So Boaz took Ruth, and she became his wife…” Boaz took Ruth, not vice versa.
To your second question about asking her dad if her dad isn’t a Christian: I do think that asking her dad (if able to) shows respect to who her authority has been. Even if her dad is really non-existent in her life, it still could be a great witness to the gospel that you would submit to him in his position as father.
Des anybody else have any thoughts on this? Thanks Ordi… I look forward to your comments about the ‘Christian dating culture’ in Europe.
Wow, that’s a pretty nice ideal rule book and kudos to those who can actually follow that.
Looking at this list and seeing how things should have gone (with my husband and I), I’m thankful for a God who can bring 2 imperfect people and all their issues and their lack of self esteem/confidence through the whole dating process all the way through the wedding vows having messed up about half this list (or more), and yet not having done anything they’d have to “repent” for. Yeah…wow, He’s good ;) And He knows I’m not much of a rule follower anyway…which is why He brought an overly rule follower into my life. :)
But I’m not discounting the rules…they sound like great guidelines to me. Except that not saying “I love you” til there is a ring. I do not believe a ring has to be present and a commitment made to love someone one. Now the type and depth of that love does change closer to engagement. But of course I believe there should be some length of time before those words are said…several months atleast.
Oh…and for the engagement process…the advice I most often give that should be a guideline is IT SHOULD BE SHORT!!!!! I do NOT understand why people stay engaged for 12+ months. Cause if the desire is to stay pure, once that commitment has been made with a ring and a “yes”, the temptation and the desire to just give in to sex is insane. You can plan a beautiful wedding in 3 months or less… our engagement was 6 months, and it was the longest and hardest 6 months of my life thus far. Short people…keep the engagement short! “and that’s all I have to say about that…”
Amen sister! I look forward to writing that one. And, yes, this is more of ‘guidelines’ and a ‘how-to-for-Christian-dummies’ then an actual RULE BOOK. Also, this is the advice in a nut shell that I would give a young man.
To the “I love you” thing, I do think this could be taken as extreme by a lot of people, but I’m going to stick to my guns on this one as well. I’m not saying that it is ‘wrong’ to say I love you prior to engagement but, as you said, there better be some form of commitment. Let us not toss those words around loosely
Thanks Rebecca for your comments!
Hey Greg. I enjoyed reading these rules. I believe that as our generation has changed from our parent’s generation, there are some things that have changed in a negative manner. The attitude young “boys” have towards girls can be down right wrong. I have heard guys make ridiculous comments like “women work, let them pay for their own meal.” One thing that has not changed is that it is the guy’s responsibility to show his date that he can handle being a man, not just a boy. “Men” pay their own way, therefore need to pay for dinner. I have been married for over nine years and when we eat dinner out, with or without the kids, I will not let my wife use the cash in her purse or her debit card to pay for dinner. I am not doing this to be a “pig”, but I do this for two reasons. 1.) When on a date with my wife it makes her feel the same she did when we were dating. 2.) It shows my two sons how a “man” acts on a date with a woman.
Ladies: An important role of a father is to show his children (especially sons) how they should live when they grow up. If a father shows his children how to treat their mother in a way that honors her, God, and the family; they will follow that trend into their adult years. If a young man does not treat you with honor on a date by paying for it all and opening doors ect., then he won’t do it when you get married. If he doesn’t do it when y’all are married then your children won’t do it when they grow up. The women us men date and marry deserve to be cherished, honored, respected and loved as Christ loves the church (sacrificially). Please do not settle for less. Real Men have become a dying breed over the years, but they are still out there.
TVN: My pray when it comes to dating an relationships is that young boys will become young men through articles such as this. I believe our society is starting to realize that their views on prolonging childhood and marriage is not practical or logical. I pray they will realize that the Bible shows them the importance of marriage and how marriage should honor God.
Thanks for the work y’all do. I enjoy the articles and will continue to pray for y’all as y’all continue to work for the Kingdom of our Lord.
Steve
Thanks Steve. We appreciate you also brother. Great comments and application!
The ruth thing about feet, it is a euphemism, i think idk if thay holds true but i have heard about it in some commentaries.
What do you mean euphemism?
I learned about this in Old Testament class this semester. The OT has no word for genitalia whether it be male or female. So the authors of the OT use the word feet as a euphemism. Its like saying that two people slept together, but we all know they did a little more than sleeping. So the word feet in the OT is often used as a a euphemism for genitalia. Another example of this besides the Ruth usage is in Exodus when God randomly tried to kill Moses, and Zipporah circumcised their son and touched the foreskin to Moses’ “feet.” This euphemism is only used in the OT and not in the NT (think about it).
Matt, I understand what you are saying but I would completely disagree with that interpretation. That seems to me like a more liberal understanding of the text. For instance, reader response instead of authorial intent.
Thanks for your comment!
Matt, whatever commentary you’re reading about the phrase being a euphemism for sex, throw it out and don’t read it. The whole point of Ruth is that a righteous and faithful offspring comes from the most unlikely place making salvation from the Lord alone.
Yes it was scandalous, but not sinful so I don’t think we can interpret the phrase like that.
Ok maybe don’t throw it out, we can still glean from others… just don’t pay attention to that part.
Guys, I had to do the same assignment that Matt was talking about. We did a word study on the Hebrew word “regel.” Our Hebrew professor, Charles Halton, argued that the main point of Ruth was not to praise Ruth for her faithfulness or courage… etc. Instead, it was to show how God can uses imperfect vessels (like every other man) to do His work. Here God uses a Moabitess, a place known for rampant sin, to do His work and eventually carry on the lineage that would lead to Christ.
Anyway, here’s my short paper I wrote on the word “regel.”
According to the Brown-Driver-Briggs Hebrew and English Lexicon (BDB), the word (regel) means foot. BDB points to a variety of ways in which this root is used. There are instances where it is used in the human sense of the term. It is used in the washing of feet (Gen. 18:4, 19:2). In some places, BDB calls it the foot of pride (Ex. 3:5). It is also used to mean the sole of the foot (Deut. 2:5). There are times where this word is used to indicate ways God relates to humans anthropomorphically. For instance, in Exodus 24:10 we see an anthropomorphism as a pavement of sapphire stone is said to be under God’s feet. This word is also used in reference to seraphim (Is. 6:2), cherubim (2 Chron. 3:13), idols, animals (Gen. 8:9), and a table (Ex. 25:26, 37:13). It is also used in phrases such as to the pace of (Gen. 33:14), at one’s guidance (Deut. 33:3), and at one’s foot (Gen. 30:30). Finally, BDB points to uses of the word in a term meaning three times (Ex. 23:14; Num. 22:28, 32, 33). Another very interesting use of the term is found in Isaiah 7:20 where BDB says the term means hair of the private parts! This passage discusses the use of a razor to shave the hair of the head, beard, and feet. However, if the term really means the hair of the private parts, then this would present quite a different picture.
The Hebrew and Aramaic Lexicon of the Old Testament (HALOT) gives a variety of uses for the word also. The first definition it gives is that of a foot or leg, belonging to people (Num. 22:25), animals (Gen. 8:9), God (Ex. 24:10, Is. 60:13), or objects (Ex. 25:26, 27). The next definition HALOT gives for the word is sole of the foot. This extends from footprints (Job 13:27) to a big toe (Ex. 29:20). The third definition HALOT gives is from the toe-nail to the hair of the head. The fourth definition given, like the BDB, is pubic hair or a euphemism for the pubic region (Ex. 4:25; Isa. 6:2; 7:20). Another definition speaks of the word as a collective foot of Israel (2 Kg. 4:37).
The word (margelahtaayw) is used four times in the book of Ruth. Each occurrence falls within chapter three (Ruth 3:4,7, 8, 14). BDB defines the term to mean of his feet while HALOT defines the term to mean place for the feet or footing. With these two definitions it would seem as though something is taking place at a person’s feet or at the location of this person’s feet. The term is used elsewhere in the Bible; we see it used in Daniel 10:6. In its context, Daniel sees a man with arms and feet that gleam like bronze. So, given this much information, it would seem that each occurrence of this word in Ruth would be referring to feet. However, with closer examination of the actual text in Ruth chapter three and with respect to above mentioned uses of regel, there seems to be room for a different sort of interpretation. As previously stated, BDB interprets the use of regel in Isaiah 7:20 to mean hair of the private parts. HALOT also points to times where regel means either pubic hair or the pubic region (Ex. 4:25; Isa. 6:2; 7:20). In Ruth chapter three, we see Naomi instructing Ruth to go to Boaz in the threshing floor. She tells Ruth to wash and anoint herself, put on a cloak, and go to the threshing floor. She tells her to wait until Boaz lies down. She is then to go in to Boaz, lie down with him, and uncover his margelahtaayw. Naomi goes as far as to tell Ruth that Boaz will tell her what to do, as if Ruth needed instruction on how to do something. Most translations interpret this word to mean feet. However, if we consider the alternative meanings to the root regel it would seem probable that Ruth was being instructed to uncover the pubic or genital region of Boaz and lie with him. Ruth’s story continues as she goes into Boaz and does all that Naomi had instructed. Boaz awoke startled to find a woman laying at his margelahtaayw. She then tells him to spread his garment or his skirt over her because he was to be her redeemer. This interaction ends with Boaz instructing Ruth not to let anyone know that she had come to him.
Given the root meanings for regel in this sort of context would seem to suggest a good possibility that Ruth was attempting to solicit sex from Boaz. However, with most all current translations interpreting the word to mean feet, it is difficult to declare this with certainty. I would suggest a more extensive study to determine if there is any historical significance in uncovering someone’s feet in this time period. In today’s culture, at least, this gesture would seem in many ways insignificant, or at least rude. Nobody wants cold feet while they sleep!
Thank you for exhaustive response to this Tyler. It just doesn’t make sense for Ruth to uncover Boaz’s penis and not have sex with him. Nowhere in the text does it indicate that they ‘knew’ each other this way. If they did have sexual relations that evening on the threshing floor then I would absolutely think this way the case. Nonetheless, we can all agree that Ruth did uncover something…
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This is how it should be I wished I had got to experience this kind of courtship. This is how real men should be. but of course nowadays no one is taught this kind of mannerism and not many guys out there have very good morals. Its sad but unfortunately true. My grandpa used to tell me stories of him doing these things when he was dating at the age of 16/17, now he is 65. I just wished this was passed down generations so that a lady would know exactly how to be treated.If I ever have a little boy he will have morals and he will be a gentleman. I just hate that not all moms think like me. very good blog btw. I am going to post this for sure.
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I think that the way people go from being single to married is an area that the Bible does not lay down one course of actions. We should however, always seek to love and honour God in our decisions, and love our neighbour as ourself. This includes how we pursue marriage. I think that the best way to glorify God and love our neighbour in this particular issue, of going from being single to being married, may vary from culture to culture. Culture affects our expectations of what is appropriate, so one way to pursue a woman that might be appropriate in one culture might cause offense in another. It seems that in Israel in Old Testament times, or at least in the time of Jeremiah, parents arranged marriages for their children. Otherwise, why does it say, in Jer 29:6 (NIV), “find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage”?
I think Christians are at liberty on this issue, though of course must do whatever they do to the glory of God. There are lots of people saying you have to get from the single state to the married state in a particular way. Here is a relevant link:
http://wscal.edu/blog/entry/16-ways-to-find-a-wife-according-to-the-bible