Commitment stifles freedom.

The predominant contemporary view of relationships, namely that of marriage, exalts individual freedom over commitment. Being devoted to another when feelings of love do not exist is perceived as coercive. It would be cruel to stay with a person whom you don’t find satisfaction and contentment. Most would agree that leaving a person you no longer love is better than staying with one you don’t.

But reconciling freedom and love with obligation and covenant is biblical. Timothy Keller in his book, The Meaning of marriage discusses how loving a person in unconditional commitment helps romantic love fulfill itself. He references the works of Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard on the topic.

Kierkegaard writes of the possible outlooks on life he calls the aesthetic, the ethical and the religious. The aesthete doesn’t really ask whether something is good or bad but only what is interesting.

In romance, most people live as aesthetes. They believe they are free from any outside bonds. He or she avoids commitment, covenant and promise. Believing to be masters of themselves, they are in actuality slaves to temperament, tastes, feelings and impulses that drive them.

We all make decisions for better or worse based on the above external influences. Moreover, we know full well how fleeting and unreliable they are. Today we feel one way, the next day another. Says Keller,

The only way to be truly free is to link your feelings to an obligation. Only if you commit yourself to loving in action, day in and day out, even when feelings and circumstances are in flux, can you truly be a free individual and not a pawn of outside forces. Also, only if you maintain your love for someone when it is not thrilling can you be said to be actually loving a person. The aesthete does not really love the person; he or she loves the feelings, thrills, ego, rush and experiences that the other person brings. The proof is that when those things are gone, the aesthete has no abiding care or concern for the other.[1]

When we resolve to commit to the other we are truly free to love that person. The influences that would likely hinder and inhibit are put in check.

When you feel great delight in someone, meeting their needs and getting their gratitude and affection in return is extremely rewarding to your ego. At those times you may be acting more out of the desire to get that love and satisfaction yourself, rather than out of a desire to seek the good of the other person. As Kierkegaard observed, you may not be loving that person so much as loving yourself. And when we only do the actions of love when we are having strong feelings of love, we often act unwisely. [2]

Feelings are a legitimate aspect of romance, but they cannot be placed at the pinnacle of prominence. Affections come and go. Understandably, nearly all married couples will admit not “feeling” loving towards their spouse and entertain thoughts of leaving. But as Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, “Marriage keeps the love alive. Love does not keep the marriage alive.” Keller goes on,

If your definition of “love” stresses affectionate feelings more than unselfish actions, you will cripple your ability to maintain and grow strong love relationships. On the other hand, if you stress the action of love over the feeling, you enhance and establish the feeling. This is one of the secrets of living life, as well as of marriage.[3]

Resolve in your heart and mind to love when not feeling “loving”. Don’t make emotions the measure of all things. Biblical love is much bigger than that. Commit, and find true freedom.

“Sociologists argue that in contemporary Western society the marketplace has become so dominant that the consumer model increasingly characterizes most relationships that historically were covenantal, including marriage.  Today we stay connected to people only as long as they are meeting our particular needs at an acceptable cost to us.  When we cease to make a profit–that is, when the relationship appears to require more love and affirmation from us than we are getting back–then we “cut our losses” and drop the relationship.  This has also been called “commodification,” a process by which social relationships are reduced to economic exchange relationships, and so the very idea of “covenant” is disappearing in our culture.  Covenant is therefore a concept that is increasingly foreign to us, and yet the Bible says it is the essence of marriage, so we must take some time to understand it.”

Tim Killer, The Meaning of Marriage.

“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” –Proverbs 22:6 For Christian parents, this well-known verse can be both a source of comfort and frustration.

Moms and dads hope that their kids love and serve God with their whole heart, and it appears Proverbs has given us a prescription to carry this out: good parenting.

What does this parenting Proverbs mentions look like? Based on the whole of scripture, it involves godly role modeling, teaching from the Bible, attending church, discipline and other things.

Many parents do this and do it very well.

But the troubling reality is that some children – even when they have been raised this way — live in rebellion against God.

We know them. And we know their parents. I’ve seen the weary look of sorrow as a parent describes a son or daughter who has either rejected the gospel outright or is living a sinful lifestyle — one they were neither modeled nor taught.

Those parents ask themselves the perennial “Why?” The words of Proverbs 22:6, while giving comfort to parents of godly children, troubles parents of children gone astray.

Understanding Wisdom Literature

Is Proverbs 22:6 only true for some people and not for others? Have some not truly “trained up” their children in the Biblical model? And if there are so many exceptions to the apparent promise of the verse, why is it included in the Bible anyway?

A right understanding of Proverbs — and of wisdom literature as a whole — best answers the question to this verse.

The book of Proverbs is full of “truisms.” The verses are observations of wise people and are generally true in most cases, but they’re not the same as precepts, or universal promises.

For example, Proverbs 9:10-11 says, “The Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. For by me your days will be multiplied, and years of life will be added to you.”

If we take this as an absolute, it would appear anyone with wisdom and the fear of God will be guaranteed a long life.

As we know, this is not always the case. Just and righteous people occasionally get cancer, have heart attacks or get in car accidents and die young.

Another example is Proverbs 16:7: “When a man’s ways are pleasing to the Lord, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.”

In actuality, the opposite is often true. Second Timothy 3:12 says, “Indeed, all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted.”

Again, we’re seeing truisms; not absolutes.

We’ve got to understand Proverbs in the context of its genre – wisdom literature. It’s full of catchy, pithy statements that are easy to remember and reflect truths revealed through life. But while the charm of the proverbs is brevity, an isolated sentence can’t reflect all the nuances of the gospel and God’s mysterious ways. They must be taken in light of the whole of Scripture.

Why isn’t it always true?

So the question becomes: “Why do children of godly parents rebel – some of whom never return?”

So often, our assumptions about human nature, sin and salvation are not biblically based. The Bible makes other statements about human nature that add shades of gray to a black-and-white interpretation of Proverbs 22:6.

Scripture maintains man is born into sin. Humans are guilty in the first man, Adam. People are depraved. Their physical and spiritual aspects are tainted and twisted by sin.

If you’ve seen small children, even infants act selfishly apart from being taught or affected by outside influence, you must acknowledge something inherently wicked in us.

Scripture affirms this. See Romans 5:12, Romans 1, Psalms 14, Psalms 53, Psalms 51.

Good parenting can become a dangerous source of pride. Mothers and fathers subtly attribute their children’s good behavior or godliness to their own work.

This fits within secular humanism’s assumptions about humanity where learned behaviors determine the outcome of one’s conduct: Reform the system or give ample education and good people will result.

The Bible and experience, however, demonstrate quite the contrary.

People are by nature, objects of wrath. They run from God and do not seek to know him or love him. They are not just inclined to sin but are in fact, slaves to it (John 8:34).

Only by the gracious and loving intervention of Jesus Christ do people come to know God. Only in Christ, do we have the ability to obey his commands and receive forgiveness of sins. Without the Savior we never come to God.

But here is where we see the good news of the gospel. Jesus graciously changes the hearts of people that they would love him.

Why do people live in rebellion? The better question: Why is there anyone who doesn’t?

I often consider my own life as a pastor’s kid. I haven’t turned my back on God like many raised in a similar Christian household. I’m pursuing full-time Christian ministry.

My mom and dad were great parents. They still are. But I don’t think my life direction can be attributed simply to good parenting, discipline or even godly role modeling. Even being shown the terrible consequences of sin is not enough.

It’s God’s grace. Nothing less.

In the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15, we see a good father and a rebellious son. We can assume this father trained up his son in the way he should go. We also see that when his son asked for his inheritance (requesting for what should be given after death) the Father gave it to him and let the son go his way.

As we know, the son lived in rebellion for a time but came to repentance. And the Father, like God, forgave his child and welcomed him back.

Takeaway

So if we can’t trust Proverbs 22:6 to be true in 100 percent of cases, what good is it?

Parents should still take up this wise, godly counsel. Children raised in the way of the Lord are much more likely to trust Jesus as adults.

But we also need to understand that a sinner coming to the Lord is an act of God’s grace and not the fruit of any human merit – even excellent parenting. We should stand in humility as our lives and times are in God’s hands.

And for those struggling with the weighty burden of a wayward child? We see that prayer and love are powerful and effective.

By Grace Gibson / Grace is the wife of Greg Gibson, and they have one daughter, Cora.  She is a proud stay at home mama and loves all things fun and coffee.

My life is rather wonderful right now.  When I contemplated writing about my life, a thought immediately popped into my head.  “I’m not experienced enough to write on this topic.  People will just assume I believe my life is wonderful because I only have one baby.  And they often have said, “Wait until I have two, or three, or four, or ten, then maybe I can give my opinion.”

I had to cast away that thought quickly, choosing not to give heed to the person who would discredit my happiness.  You know the person I am talking about.  This person sees you young and in love, and says, “Just wait until after the honeymoon, then you will see what life is really like.”

You know these types of people, don’t you?  They wish away your happiness.

This happened to me a few times, so with a little fear, I waited until after my honeymoon and oddly enough found that I was still happy—really happy.

This person said, “Wait until your first year of marriage, then you will see what life is really like.”  Again, wishing away my happiness.  So with a bit of fear, I waited for my first year of marriage and found after it was over that I was actually still happy—really happy.

This person saw my happiness with a bit of disgust, and they said, “You are still in the honeymoon phase, and wait until you have kids, then you will see what life is really like.”  And once again, wishing away my happiness.  So with a bit of fear I waited for the birth of my first and found that after she arrived I was happy—really happy.

This person then said, “Wait until you have two little ones, then you will see what life is really like.”  And once again, wishing away my happiness.  However, now I do not anticipate that next phase in life with fear.

After experiencing these different phases, I have come to realize that my happiness is not contingent on my circumstances or the phase of life that I am in.

I am happy while single.

I am happy while married.

I am happy with one kid.

I am happy with ten kids.

I am happy because my happiness is rooted in Christ Jesus.

“As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you.  Now remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in his love.  I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete” (John 15:9-12).

I am happy because I remain in his love and his joy has made mine complete, which is indicated in the phrase “lacking in nothing.”  I have entitled this post “The Pessimistic Pansy” for two reasons.  First of all, this person whom I am describing is pessimistic.  They have a negative outlook on life, not finding their joy in Christ, and therefore not being complete in him.   And secondly, this person is a pansy— meaning weak or fearful.  Their happiness is rooted in their circumstances, so they fear each new phase, and resent those who are genuinely happy.

I choose to be confident that I will be happy no matter my circumstance, because my happiness is rooted in my salvation in Christ.

I remain in Him and He alone sustains me and offers grace for each new season of life.  So, without fear, I say, bring on the babies!

INTRODUCTION:

Over the past year or so, I have been plagued with this question–Is youth ministry killing the church?  This has bled from another important question that is being asked all over the world–Why are so many young people leaving the church after high school?

Follow Greg on Twitter for more: @gregrgibson

A friend sent me an article that was posted on CNN’s Religion Blog about, yet again, the rise in “Christians” having premarital sex. Surprise! Surprise! The author raises the question about the seemingly common late 20-something or 30-something Christian who is single and EXPECTED to stay pure. The ridiculousness of this claim baffles me to no end. Also, quite likely, it is not uncommon to meet a Christian dating couple that has been together for several years. What’s more, just a quick look through your Facebook “friends” will reveal several former committed Christians who live with their boyfriends, girlfriends, or parents, having never prepared for the pursuit of biblical manhood or womanhood, yet living in a fantasy world that they have, somehow, by age only, escaped the frightening years of adolescence–when we all know that in maturity, decision-making, and their practice of non-intenional dating, they still reflect the kids they once were as sophomores in high school.

In a recent article in Relevant magazine, this same question is brought to the forefront. Scott McKnight, the author of a few good books, has some equally good things to say about this concept.

He tells Relevant:

Sociologically speaking, the one big difference – and it’s monstrous – between the biblical teaching and our culture is the arranged marriages of very young people. If you get married when you’re 13, you don’t have 15 years of temptation.

John Blake, the author of the CNN article with equivalent title as above, states this,

So what should a Christian parent or youth pastor do? How do they convince more young Christians to wait until marriage, or should they stop even trying?

What should a Christian parent or youth pastor do?  How do we convince more young Christians to wait until marriage?  Should we stop even trying?  Are you kidding me!  No!  No!  No!  No!  And No!  As horrible as those questions are though, many parents I’m sure are continuing to ask this question all over the world.  Even more non-auspicious, many youth pastors are asking these questions as well.  Let me try my best at answering them… again. [...]

According to Christianity Today, the U.S. Census Bureau announced that poverty is continuing to rise in the United States.  Up a whole percentage from last year, poverty is not only effecting entire communities but it is effecting families inside those communities as well. – RESOURCE: (here, http://www.onlinesocialworkdegree.org, is a resource for people who want to help families in poverty by becoming a social worker).

The situation is even worse for children: One in four children under six years of age now live in poverty. This is nearly twice the rate of poverty for adults, and the situation for children is made worse if they live in a single-parent household. Only 6.2 percent of families led by married parents are below the poverty line. If a wife is absent, the chances of living in poverty jump to 15.8 percent. Without a husband, a family does even worse. Nearly one in three families headed by single mothers lives below the poverty line.

One in four children under the age of six years old now live in poverty?  Are you kidding me?  This is happening in the United States?  As I think about the area I live though, this is absolutely the case.  The question I want to present to you for this specific topic is not what the church should do about poverty but is it wise for those living in poverty, or under the poverty line, to have children.  Welfare conversations aside, should Christian families willingly have children and raise their children in poverty?

I look forward to hearing some thoughts from you all on this issue.

As a relatively new pastor, I have come to realize to a greater degree the pervasiveness of sin–the tight grip it has on the world and even its influence over Christians. Quickly, I am coming to recognize the essentiality of being skilled in biblical counseling. Sin, with all of its evil, continues to give rise to one of the most common subject matter for counseling–broken or damaged relationships. It sincerely breaks my heart as a pastor, and especially as a fellow-Christian, to see disunity among Christians. This is particularly and pronouncedly true when it comes to broken and damaged marriages.

Why are broken marriages so painful for me to observe? Honestly, it has to do with the fact that “Christians” have lost their fear of God. Consequently, when a man and woman exchange vows on their wedding day, the promise or covenant that that they make with each other, with God, and with the observing congregation becomes nothing more than a formality for many. When people make the decision to get a divorce, they act as functional atheists as they disregard this covenant and promise and spurn the authority of God. Neither is God the foundation of the relationship, nor does He prove to be the Lord or Master of the individuals involved in the relationship. Covenant and promise have sadly lost their significance in this functionally atheistic and pseudo-Christian church culture.

I have recently been encouraged by two videos–one, a conversation between pastors and theologians, and a second, a music video. In these videos, what is made central and foundational to a marriage relationship is not health, comfort, sex, money, romance, chemistry, or anything material or physical; it IS covenant and promise. Marriage relationships will always be wrought with difficulties and challenges, but as Andrew Peterson says, “That’s what the promise is for.” If marriage can be founded on this promise and covenant, then (and only then) will they be able to experience the true joy that the marriage relationship can bring as they seek to live out the Christ-church marital dynamic for the glory of God and their joy. For those of you who might be struggling with your marriage, don’t give up. And look to Christ who has given himself for us, instituting an unbreakable covenant with us in order to save us from our sin. Covenants and promises are not made to be broken. God will never break his. Neither should we.

I read a story the other day about a man who didn’t have a job, who didn’t provide for his family, and who didn’t cherish and serve his wife.  This man viewed women as objects and he probably was addicted to pornography.  He lied.  He cheated.  He was a hypocrite.  While at home, he sat in front of the television, not helping, not serving.  While at home, he was distant.  While away from home, he was distant.  When it came to his family — distance.

This man was not a warrior husband.

——————————-

On the contrary…

In a recent article in the New York Post, the wife of Navy Seal Aaron Vaughn — who was killed in Afghanistan on Saturday — was recorded as referring to her husband as a WARRIOR who loved his family and his country.

I don’t know what kind of man Aaron Vaughn was at home or in his personal life.  I do know, however, what his wife thought about him.  His wife called him a WARRIOR – a warrior who loved his family and his country.

What a statement!

What an amazing description of what every husband should strive to hear from his wife.  ”My husband, yes, he is a warrior.”

Ephesians 5 describes a man who loves his wife like Christ loves the church.  He serves her.  He loves her.  He cherishes her.  In short, he fights for her.  In everything he does, he puts himself last.  He repents when he fails.  He gets up when he falls.  This man carries himself in a way that is different than most.

It is not a way that is above others.  No, in fact, it is lower — he is a servant.

Like Jesus, he is a servant.  And like Jesus, he is a warrior.

His bride looks at him — like the church looks at Christ– and no matter the outcome of his life, no matter the times he fails, no matter his current occupation, and no matter the money he makes, and she says to him, “My husband, yes, you are a WARRIOR.”

This man is a WARRIOR husband.  I pray I am this man.

And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created them. And God blessed them; and said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky, and over every thing that moves on the earth.” –Genesis 1:27-28

When a college or high school group discussion turns to marriage and the question “so how many kids do you want?” it is unlikely for many to say more than “three.” Why would anyone want more than that? It’s financially impractical. It’s too much work. Nobody does that anymore. Besides, young people are bombarded with a secular worldview predicated on pleasure, leisure, and self-gratification. Although most Christians have smaller families and no one really questions why, it’s important to weigh our choices against what Scripture actually says.

When we read the Bible, we see a clear understanding of family, children, and mankind’s role on earth. God gives Adam and Eve a command to fill the earth with his image bearers. He blesses them by making them fruitful. God is pleased with a planet full of his crowning creation. Sadly, a close examination of contemporary Christianity reveals a worldview less like Genesis and more like Hollywood.

The prevalent opinion is that pregnancy is something to be prevented or protected against to insure quality of life. An Institute of Medicine panel recommended that the U.S. government require health insurance companies to cover birth control for women, without copayments, as “preventive care.”In the last fifty years, wealthier nations (notably Western) have boasted of the alleged correlation between a country’s wealth, life expectancy, happiness, and its low birth rates. It would appear that the most satisfied, fulfilled, and carefree life is one without children. But a declining population in all Western nations, excepting the U.S. and Ireland, has brought the issue to the forefront. A disproportionate aging population is putting a strain on economies trying to support retirees. Moreover, a proliferating Muslim demographic is on pace to overtake many European countries. More children would be the plausible solution to these problems. Interestingly enough, we see God’s Word supports having bigger families over smaller ones.

But what parts of Genesis should be taken at face value? God’s speaking the world into existence? Definitely. God’s creation of man in His image? Certainly. God’s creation of male and female to become one flesh in marriage? Positively.

But what about the little passage in verse 28, “Be fruitful and multiply”?There are many passages and promises in the Bible that I enjoy and love to quote, yet there are others that I would omit from the Ryan Rindels Standard Version (RRSV). Of course, the problem is not with the Bible; it’s with me. When I read the text my natural response would be to doubt the viability of having a big family. The objections range from insufficient finances to time devoted to each child. I realize however, God’s plan is superior to my own and that if he in fact, commands this, he will adequately equip me for it.

What is clear and undeniable upon reading Genesis is God’s plan for mankind to fill the earth with his image bearers. There’s no reason to believe that this intention has become outdated and inapplicable. Sadly, however, many American Christians have bought into the secular world’s materialistic, small-family system. Though such thinking may seem convenient, it is not only unbiblical, but it offends common sense, especially for the future of society. The 2.1 child-per-woman minimum birth rate is necessary for a population not to decline, much less, increase. For more on this, read an article I wrote a year ago: http://theveritasnetwork.org/2010/09/12/procreation-an-intended-blessing-of-sex/.The current U.S. birthrate is hovering just at the 2.1 replacement level.

Most secular nations worry about an insufficient workforce to support retirement programs like social security. Even without a biblical worldview, societies realize more children need to be born, and more than just two per family. But even with tax breaks and other generous incentives the statistics show the birth rates are still below the replacement level.

So when the marriage and family discussion with any Christian prompts the answer “God is calling me to only have two or one children, or maybe not any at all,” I would seriously question if that is God’s voice, especially when such a system is not only insufficient to maintain an economy but also runs contrary to the mandate in Genesis 1. And yet, it seems there are more and more Christians hearing the same message about having fewer kids.

An unmarried friend with whom I grew up in church was seriously considering havinga vasectomy at age 21 simply because he didn’t like kids. I was appalled.

Is this the Christian view of family? Birth rates for American evangelicals are no higher than the rest of the country. I’m bothered by this.

Children are a blessing from the Lord. The Bible consistently and amply supports this. As for birth control, the Bible is not explicit. However, I believe the best answer is understood by examining the scriptural pattern. It’s apparent that the burden of proof is upon those who would artificially limit what God created—not the other way around. You cannot read the biblical passages regarding children, family, and fruitfulness and then successfully justify having few or no kids.

As Christians, we need to repent of our rebellion against God’s plan for the family. To have many children is to bringforth bearers of God’s image, to raise ambassadors and warriors for His kingdom, to bless the nations, and to contend with its enemies at the gate. Let’s get back to the biblical understanding of family and challenge this dwindling generation.