Commitment stifles freedom.

The predominant contemporary view of relationships, namely that of marriage, exalts individual freedom over commitment. Being devoted to another when feelings of love do not exist is perceived as coercive. It would be cruel to stay with a person whom you don’t find satisfaction and contentment. Most would agree that leaving a person you no longer love is better than staying with one you don’t.

But reconciling freedom and love with obligation and covenant is biblical. Timothy Keller in his book, The Meaning of marriage discusses how loving a person in unconditional commitment helps romantic love fulfill itself. He references the works of Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard on the topic.

Kierkegaard writes of the possible outlooks on life he calls the aesthetic, the ethical and the religious. The aesthete doesn’t really ask whether something is good or bad but only what is interesting.

In romance, most people live as aesthetes. They believe they are free from any outside bonds. He or she avoids commitment, covenant and promise. Believing to be masters of themselves, they are in actuality slaves to temperament, tastes, feelings and impulses that drive them.

We all make decisions for better or worse based on the above external influences. Moreover, we know full well how fleeting and unreliable they are. Today we feel one way, the next day another. Says Keller,

The only way to be truly free is to link your feelings to an obligation. Only if you commit yourself to loving in action, day in and day out, even when feelings and circumstances are in flux, can you truly be a free individual and not a pawn of outside forces. Also, only if you maintain your love for someone when it is not thrilling can you be said to be actually loving a person. The aesthete does not really love the person; he or she loves the feelings, thrills, ego, rush and experiences that the other person brings. The proof is that when those things are gone, the aesthete has no abiding care or concern for the other.[1]

When we resolve to commit to the other we are truly free to love that person. The influences that would likely hinder and inhibit are put in check.

When you feel great delight in someone, meeting their needs and getting their gratitude and affection in return is extremely rewarding to your ego. At those times you may be acting more out of the desire to get that love and satisfaction yourself, rather than out of a desire to seek the good of the other person. As Kierkegaard observed, you may not be loving that person so much as loving yourself. And when we only do the actions of love when we are having strong feelings of love, we often act unwisely. [2]

Feelings are a legitimate aspect of romance, but they cannot be placed at the pinnacle of prominence. Affections come and go. Understandably, nearly all married couples will admit not “feeling” loving towards their spouse and entertain thoughts of leaving. But as Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, “Marriage keeps the love alive. Love does not keep the marriage alive.” Keller goes on,

If your definition of “love” stresses affectionate feelings more than unselfish actions, you will cripple your ability to maintain and grow strong love relationships. On the other hand, if you stress the action of love over the feeling, you enhance and establish the feeling. This is one of the secrets of living life, as well as of marriage.[3]

Resolve in your heart and mind to love when not feeling “loving”. Don’t make emotions the measure of all things. Biblical love is much bigger than that. Commit, and find true freedom.

“Sociologists argue that in contemporary Western society the marketplace has become so dominant that the consumer model increasingly characterizes most relationships that historically were covenantal, including marriage.  Today we stay connected to people only as long as they are meeting our particular needs at an acceptable cost to us.  When we cease to make a profit–that is, when the relationship appears to require more love and affirmation from us than we are getting back–then we “cut our losses” and drop the relationship.  This has also been called “commodification,” a process by which social relationships are reduced to economic exchange relationships, and so the very idea of “covenant” is disappearing in our culture.  Covenant is therefore a concept that is increasingly foreign to us, and yet the Bible says it is the essence of marriage, so we must take some time to understand it.”

Tim Killer, The Meaning of Marriage.

By Grace Gibson / Grace is the wife of Greg Gibson, and they have one daughter, Cora.  She is a proud stay at home mama and loves all things fun and coffee.

My life is rather wonderful right now.  When I contemplated writing about my life, a thought immediately popped into my head.  “I’m not experienced enough to write on this topic.  People will just assume I believe my life is wonderful because I only have one baby.  And they often have said, “Wait until I have two, or three, or four, or ten, then maybe I can give my opinion.”

I had to cast away that thought quickly, choosing not to give heed to the person who would discredit my happiness.  You know the person I am talking about.  This person sees you young and in love, and says, “Just wait until after the honeymoon, then you will see what life is really like.”

You know these types of people, don’t you?  They wish away your happiness.

This happened to me a few times, so with a little fear, I waited until after my honeymoon and oddly enough found that I was still happy—really happy.

This person said, “Wait until your first year of marriage, then you will see what life is really like.”  Again, wishing away my happiness.  So with a bit of fear, I waited for my first year of marriage and found after it was over that I was actually still happy—really happy.

This person saw my happiness with a bit of disgust, and they said, “You are still in the honeymoon phase, and wait until you have kids, then you will see what life is really like.”  And once again, wishing away my happiness.  So with a bit of fear I waited for the birth of my first and found that after she arrived I was happy—really happy.

This person then said, “Wait until you have two little ones, then you will see what life is really like.”  And once again, wishing away my happiness.  However, now I do not anticipate that next phase in life with fear.

After experiencing these different phases, I have come to realize that my happiness is not contingent on my circumstances or the phase of life that I am in.

I am happy while single.

I am happy while married.

I am happy with one kid.

I am happy with ten kids.

I am happy because my happiness is rooted in Christ Jesus.

“As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you.  Now remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in his love.  I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete” (John 15:9-12).

I am happy because I remain in his love and his joy has made mine complete, which is indicated in the phrase “lacking in nothing.”  I have entitled this post “The Pessimistic Pansy” for two reasons.  First of all, this person whom I am describing is pessimistic.  They have a negative outlook on life, not finding their joy in Christ, and therefore not being complete in him.   And secondly, this person is a pansy— meaning weak or fearful.  Their happiness is rooted in their circumstances, so they fear each new phase, and resent those who are genuinely happy.

I choose to be confident that I will be happy no matter my circumstance, because my happiness is rooted in my salvation in Christ.

I remain in Him and He alone sustains me and offers grace for each new season of life.  So, without fear, I say, bring on the babies!

Follow Greg on Twitter for more: @gregrgibson

A friend sent me an article that was posted on CNN’s Religion Blog about, yet again, the rise in “Christians” having premarital sex. Surprise! Surprise! The author raises the question about the seemingly common late 20-something or 30-something Christian who is single and EXPECTED to stay pure. The ridiculousness of this claim baffles me to no end. Also, quite likely, it is not uncommon to meet a Christian dating couple that has been together for several years. What’s more, just a quick look through your Facebook “friends” will reveal several former committed Christians who live with their boyfriends, girlfriends, or parents, having never prepared for the pursuit of biblical manhood or womanhood, yet living in a fantasy world that they have, somehow, by age only, escaped the frightening years of adolescence–when we all know that in maturity, decision-making, and their practice of non-intenional dating, they still reflect the kids they once were as sophomores in high school.

In a recent article in Relevant magazine, this same question is brought to the forefront. Scott McKnight, the author of a few good books, has some equally good things to say about this concept.

He tells Relevant:

Sociologically speaking, the one big difference – and it’s monstrous – between the biblical teaching and our culture is the arranged marriages of very young people. If you get married when you’re 13, you don’t have 15 years of temptation.

John Blake, the author of the CNN article with equivalent title as above, states this,

So what should a Christian parent or youth pastor do? How do they convince more young Christians to wait until marriage, or should they stop even trying?

What should a Christian parent or youth pastor do?  How do we convince more young Christians to wait until marriage?  Should we stop even trying?  Are you kidding me!  No!  No!  No!  No!  And No!  As horrible as those questions are though, many parents I’m sure are continuing to ask this question all over the world.  Even more non-auspicious, many youth pastors are asking these questions as well.  Let me try my best at answering them… again. [...]

As a relatively new pastor, I have come to realize to a greater degree the pervasiveness of sin–the tight grip it has on the world and even its influence over Christians. Quickly, I am coming to recognize the essentiality of being skilled in biblical counseling. Sin, with all of its evil, continues to give rise to one of the most common subject matter for counseling–broken or damaged relationships. It sincerely breaks my heart as a pastor, and especially as a fellow-Christian, to see disunity among Christians. This is particularly and pronouncedly true when it comes to broken and damaged marriages.

Why are broken marriages so painful for me to observe? Honestly, it has to do with the fact that “Christians” have lost their fear of God. Consequently, when a man and woman exchange vows on their wedding day, the promise or covenant that that they make with each other, with God, and with the observing congregation becomes nothing more than a formality for many. When people make the decision to get a divorce, they act as functional atheists as they disregard this covenant and promise and spurn the authority of God. Neither is God the foundation of the relationship, nor does He prove to be the Lord or Master of the individuals involved in the relationship. Covenant and promise have sadly lost their significance in this functionally atheistic and pseudo-Christian church culture.

I have recently been encouraged by two videos–one, a conversation between pastors and theologians, and a second, a music video. In these videos, what is made central and foundational to a marriage relationship is not health, comfort, sex, money, romance, chemistry, or anything material or physical; it IS covenant and promise. Marriage relationships will always be wrought with difficulties and challenges, but as Andrew Peterson says, “That’s what the promise is for.” If marriage can be founded on this promise and covenant, then (and only then) will they be able to experience the true joy that the marriage relationship can bring as they seek to live out the Christ-church marital dynamic for the glory of God and their joy. For those of you who might be struggling with your marriage, don’t give up. And look to Christ who has given himself for us, instituting an unbreakable covenant with us in order to save us from our sin. Covenants and promises are not made to be broken. God will never break his. Neither should we.

I read a story the other day about a man who didn’t have a job, who didn’t provide for his family, and who didn’t cherish and serve his wife.  This man viewed women as objects and he probably was addicted to pornography.  He lied.  He cheated.  He was a hypocrite.  While at home, he sat in front of the television, not helping, not serving.  While at home, he was distant.  While away from home, he was distant.  When it came to his family — distance.

This man was not a warrior husband.

——————————-

On the contrary…

In a recent article in the New York Post, the wife of Navy Seal Aaron Vaughn — who was killed in Afghanistan on Saturday — was recorded as referring to her husband as a WARRIOR who loved his family and his country.

I don’t know what kind of man Aaron Vaughn was at home or in his personal life.  I do know, however, what his wife thought about him.  His wife called him a WARRIOR – a warrior who loved his family and his country.

What a statement!

What an amazing description of what every husband should strive to hear from his wife.  ”My husband, yes, he is a warrior.”

Ephesians 5 describes a man who loves his wife like Christ loves the church.  He serves her.  He loves her.  He cherishes her.  In short, he fights for her.  In everything he does, he puts himself last.  He repents when he fails.  He gets up when he falls.  This man carries himself in a way that is different than most.

It is not a way that is above others.  No, in fact, it is lower — he is a servant.

Like Jesus, he is a servant.  And like Jesus, he is a warrior.

His bride looks at him — like the church looks at Christ– and no matter the outcome of his life, no matter the times he fails, no matter his current occupation, and no matter the money he makes, and she says to him, “My husband, yes, you are a WARRIOR.”

This man is a WARRIOR husband.  I pray I am this man.

Surprise, surprise, but I finished this recent New York Times article still staunchly in the monogamy camp. Aside from the fact that extramarital sex is clearly extra-biblical, I can’t see how a couple — Christian or not — could ever be “secure” enough in their relationship to make it an open relationship.

The idea of a marriage where spouses know about and approve of each other’s romantic affairs seems absurd. But this article is worth a read to get an idea of where some of the leading voices in the pro-gay marriage movement stand.

It’s a long profile on one of the nation’s foremost sex/love advice columnists, Dan Savage, a gay man who adopted a son with his husband. They say a series of affairs has strengthened their marriage, and the “open marriage” arrangement is a more realistic approach than monogamy because it acknowledges one person cannot satisfy all of the other’s needs.

It’s interesting to see how the expansion of gay marriage is changing the gay subculture:
- It’s downplaying promiscuity
- It’s downplaying the tight networks of friendships that take the place of a spouse
- It’s emphasizing the stability of the nuclear family structure
- It’s calling into question monogamy in general

Questions to ask: Are those cultural changes good? Bad? Mixed?

And another: This story was written by a religion writer, who notes that pastors counsel couples before marriage that they should stay faithful no matter what. When the couple returns a few years later for emergency counseling as an affair threatens to rip them apart, the pastor counsels them to work it out and to forgive. Is that hypocrisy? An inconsistency? The article suggests marriages should be strong enough to outlast infidelity, and Savage concludes that infidelity, therefore, shouldn’t be as big a deal as we make it out to be.

What do you say to that?

10.  If you find yourself burning with passion/lust (1 Cor 7)

9.  If your girlfriend or boyfriend is a Christian (2 Cor 6:14)

8.  If you think your girlfriend or boyfriend is hot (the entire book of the Song of Solomon paints this picture for us)

7.  If you are a man who likes women(Gen 1-2)

6.  If you are a woman who likes men (Gen 1-2)

5.  If you have been preparing yourself to be a husband or wife (Titus 2; 1 Corinthians 7; 1 Peter 3; Eph 5)

4.  If you desire to be a pastor (1 Timothy 3)

3.  If you desire marriage and hope to glorify God by making much of Jesus in marriage (Psalm 37:4; Eph 5)

2.  If you have a job (2 Thess 3:10)

1.  Because it is biblical (Gen 1:27)

NOTE:  You do not find any of these listed above:  If you are financially capable; if you have a degree; if you have a well-established job; etc.

For the longest time, I have been thinking through my viewpoint on kids, specifically teenagers who are still in high school, being allowed to date.  There are many viewpoints out there.  On one side of the spectrum we have a strict no date until you graduate policy.  This position falls within a majority of fundamentalist camps who give dating a bad rep and point us toward a more, counter-cultural form of courtship.   [...]

My wife, Grace, and I got married after about 11 months of a dating and engagement process.  We dated for 6 months, were engaged for 5 months, and the rest is, well, history as they say.  Honestly, my wife is so hot that waiting any longer to get married would have been extremely disastrous for me, and I would have ended up repenting and asking her to forgive me for my human-man-sin-nature-sex-drive.  [...]